Learning Kenyanese

• Honorium Gonorrheam (Africanus?) - Past Motivation

  Posted: October 19, 2008, 8:44 pm by willpress

  
  Friday was a bitchy day for those of us without pay TV or nagging wives to watch as their mouths move in yet another useless tirade about why you didnt climax last night ("Youre thinking about HER, arent you?") or about the curtains you promised to buy her if she lost 10 pounds off her corpus titanicus. . . The rest of us were stuck to the unfortunate throes of sitting outside in groups and watching our lady friends strut the imaginary catwalk in DoLLce and Cabanna, Kucci and the usual hâute couture bullsh.t that doesnt end up sizing up your left shoe in financial comparison. The chicas, well, I heard they missed Neighbours and the re-run of One Tree Hill thus leading to an empty emotional think tank that Kenyan men allegedly seldom fill. . .Enough said. The situation was grim. Why? Quite simple really. . .the people we entrusted with the sacred duty of entertaining us were airing quite a rare spectacle live - the honoring of three peculiar old men - President Mwai Kibaki, Prime Minister Raila Odinga and Former UN Sec. General Koffi Annan - for apparently securing the lead role in Big Brother Kenya: Post Election Edition which drove ratings through the roof given thousands of people were voted out to six feet under to wait for the rest of us to get bored with living atop terra firma. . . Honoring them for "drumming sense" into us. . .showing us the light, that the game should stop because they had already won the million dollar jackpot and they split it three ways.
  
  Quite a long paragraph up there, merely to grasp the mood of yesterday. Congrats to Your Excellencies, but we forgot the sucker punch. What is the relevance of institutions of academic excellence dreaming up honorary awards then hunting around for 'qualified' persons to thrust it upon, especially as regards Africa? Is this just another Copy-Paste aping act of borrowing Western culture that our dear professors of lore discovered on their Yale, Havard and Oxford scholarships?
  
  
  
  Lets go into a time capsule back to post-colonial Africa (yes, ladies lose the tops). .even though Hero Worship has been around since Noah made some big-ass ark, I think this is far back enough. What made the village elders sit down one random Sato and say , Yes. .Son of X has done a lot of good, lets elevate him a few floors up the social stratum. Basically for most cultures, one had to show a PRACTICAL HANDS ON achievement to be transformed to Hero (the only heroines I know being Wangu wa Makeri and the Zulu goddess who was imported to a Paris Zoo for Europeans to stare in awe at the astrnomically large labia majora the 'savages' possed in the 18th century).
  
  Yes, you had to bring a few bodiless heads home or quite a number of cattle and foreign mamasitas to be pronounced Hero. Never mind the dude who brings back his injured friend from deep within enemy lines. Whoever thought of such "Nobody is left behind" bull drummed so hard in movies Private Ryan, Wind talkers etc.? The wags also grabbed a few summa cum laudes. After Lunda Magere returned from a victorious raid, someone had to re-enact it in a sexy way. Warriors seldom have silvery tongues. If Luanda himself was to give an account, he'd just be like "Ah, twas nothing much. . .we just chopped off the Cheifs balls and raped a few women." Whether you were honored for your Achilles tendon, your amazing hips that locked several jaws or your ability to freestyle sonnets, the usual criteria never went beyond the person and personal abilities of the person. My hzpothesis is that it hardly ever extended to politics. The Cheif was just. . .the Cheif. . .
  
  Back out of the time capsule. Now, why cant we honour people who have entertained us with stories that have brought out Africa in the proper context like Thiongo, p' Bitek, Achebe, Honwona, Kimenye et al? Better yet why not honour our broda in Kibera who, in the heat of the post election violence, managed to escape a hail of live GSU bullets with the famous Usain Boltic run? Doesnt that deserve a doctorate of Laws, given the award has nothing to do with academic excellence?
  
  Cont. . .
  
  Random Question: If Psquare is peter and paul then paul goes on a solo career, what would he call himself?. . . P Root? Hehehehehe. . . .

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes