Open Mic

• Suicide for Dummies

  Posted: August 18, 2008, 3:21 pm by willpress

  OK, lets face it. . . August is not the best of months around these parts of Africa. Some inflation here, some terrorism there, some corruption everywhere and that sort of bull compounded by the usual headache that we subscribe for in those things we like to call relationshits, oops erm. . .relationships. Thus, at one point many of us will be at the brink of saying goodbye to Mother Earth and go chill with the 72 virgins in Purgatory. Yup, suicide will be top on the menu. . .We alll watched with shock as a disillusioned youth was found hanging by the neck after the closure of the Dandora Slaughterhouses
  
  I was telling a buddy that life is like a bladder full of piss. . .you gots to be very patient and enduring not to take it. Who chooses to live anyway? Some random peeps who we later got attached to and call Mom and Dad decided to make us. More random people also insist to be attached to us and give us hell - Society. For one reason or the next, the option of taking one's life is fast becoming a way of erm, life.
  
  I was privileged to be in such a state of mind some days ago and went for the advice of some chronically depressed pals with the announcement "I am ready to join the RIP section!". . . Heres a tid bit of part of the info i got:
  
  
  OK we have gone through the philosophical and other arguments and have reached the final lap where its either I take my life or I commit suicide. What do you do? How do we go through it without botching it up?
  
  STEP 1 : Calm Down
  A good % of suicides get f.cked up because of erratic behaviour. You dont just jump off the ground floor window of a building! That earns u a few bruises and a crowd of people thinking you stooopid. You dont blast your chest with a Smith and Wesson or a .9 calibre and expect to die that easy. Calm down. The business of zapping yourself requires a clear head. Take a gin tot but DONT get tipsy. . .
  
  STEP 2: Plan
  Now that we calm and collected, lets plot the perfect suicide. The type that leaves 0.1-2% chance of survival. Most of these suicide methods are NON-DEPENDANT on a 3rd party. Dont jump in front of a speeding bus. Thats leaving your wretched life in the hands of the driver who may risk his own happy life to save your punk ass. Consider these factors:
  
  Pain: There be those of us who gots guts for pain and those who dont. If you moan at the slightest pinprick then dont go slitting your wrists. . .you could attract unecesary attention to this important exercise. Then there be some who dig the pain or its symbolical to them. The method you chose depends on how much pain you can take.
  
  Locally Available Material: What do you have at your disposal at moments notice? A plane and a mountain face? If you can get to Isich you could shop for a gun. Do you have access to the top floor of KICC? A few sharp blades and a warm bath? An airtight garage? A year's supply of arsenic? Look around. . .
  
  Last Impression : Do you want to make a statement or just die quietly? Do you want people to remember a certain character in you? The more randy, melodramatic types go for the bloody suicides. Gun in mouth. Jump off a plame without a parachute. For the introverts, some poison and a note will do. . .
  
  With these and many other factors in mind, we are now ready to commit a very effective suicide. . .
  
  Very good so far. . .
  
  STEP 3: Vet Possible Effective Methods
  
  We have all heard the famous line "6 milion ways to die. Choose 1." Yup there are literally millions of ways of transforming yourself into a corpse varying in style, speed of death, magnificence of the suicide and of course the desired last impression.
  
  Do your quick research keeping in mind what we covered in STEP 2 and get a quick list of effective methods. There is a lot of resource material doing the rounds. Well, I did a quick survey and voila! Heres my list of the lethalestest methods just to give you a headstart:
  
  Ex-Sanguination: This is more freruent with the "white boy" types, no offence to all caucasians except Eminem. Those who listen to death metal. Those with a weak heart and one helova strong body if you catch the drift. Get a sharp blade and slip your wrists at either the cartoid, ulnar or femoral artery and sit in a tubfull of warm water. The extreme blood loss and lack of oxygen supply to the brain should put you out in a few
  
  Jumps: For the romantics or people addicted to drama. . .a jump could do you some good. At least a fall from a ten storey building should make you gain enough momentum to make pudding of your intestines the second you touch the ground. Play some serene classical/opera music on ur iPod at full blast so that the frantic crowd below seem like they be saying "JUMP! JUMP!"
  
  Carbon Monoxide Inhalation: This is the most painless of all. For higher end peeps, lock yourself in an airtight garage. Settle down into the front seat of your Ferari and leave the engine running. Soon you gon be riding a very different highway than Mombasa Rd. For lower end niggas, stay warm and fuzzy in your room with the jiko on and the windows shut. You will surely get 5minutes of post-humous fame on NTV Tonight. Too bad you wont be able to hear how Peninah Karibe pronounces your name.
  
  Gunshot: People have this assumption that a gun can kill quite easily. But look at all those people who live with a bullet or two in they skulls. Lets get a high calibre piece like a .40 or a semi-auto. A head shot has 99% lethal effect. Gun in mouth also creates a sort of dramatic picture and gets your brain or spinal cord. Its not very smart to shoot at your heart (am talking to people who watch soap operas).
  
  Helium: For those who've watched Sex and the Studio, you know what happened to Humpty-Hump when he freestyled while inhaling Helium gas. Very disturbing. Simple procedure. Hook up a supply mask to yourself and a Helium tank. Breathe normally. You'll doze off and wake up in Hotel Paradiso.
  
  Sever your Spine: The Japanese samurais did this so well. . . Breaking your own neck. Its a professional job so dont try unles yo have experimented on countles chicken and human specimen, or you could live the rest of your life facing backwards!
  
  Sky-diving without a Parachute: Those last minutes of meeting the ground at sonic speeds are CRAZY. If you dont get a heart attack then the impact should finish you.
  
  Heroin: Take that sh.t. May take a while but it will kill you anyway. Ask Jimi Hendrix.
  
  Take the World with You!: My last and most innovating suggestion. Am in the process of getting a copyright and selling this but let me just share it with my brethren. Sam Abelson got the first taste of this though.
  Hire a team of Al-Quaeda terrorists to take hostage a hotel suit where the US president's daughter is having a three some with the North-Korean president's son-in law and the Indian Prime Minister's third cousin while one of Mugabe's aides is filming and streaming the live feed to YouTube and major news stations. Then blow them all up. That should start World War 3 and a nuclear winter which will wipe out all humanity as we know it. The fumes from the nukes should cover the atmospere preventing any warmth from the sun. .converting the entire earth into Antarctica. If the nukes dont get you, the cold will. That should influence the tide of oceans and other factors that will interfere with the centre of gravity of the Earth, which will thus veer off its axis and hopefully bang into some huge meteorites or planet. Mission finito!
  
  * * *
  But anyway, anyway anyway. . .Kids, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Besides, you can as well wait till youre dead. . . People in Hell commit suicide everyday, its just that they don't die. Its worth the wait. . . The gods envy us coz we live only once. . . Say NO to loosing your suicide virginity!

Blah blah blah

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