Items by Tamaku

Diary of a gay Kenyan

• A parent’s guide to the finger of god business (pg rated)

  Posted: March 10, 2010, 12:36 am by Tamaku

  Some concerned parents wrote to me when TV anchor Esther’s saga broke out. They said please Tamaku my kids are scared when they hear about Freemasons and people wanting to kill others and they’re asking difficult questions. Can you find us a way to explain what’s happening to their role model? So I obliged and embellished the story somewhat so that youngsters could understand. You can read it and dramatize it like a game for the kids at bedtime in nice Harry Porter style to get the message home:
  
  Once upon a time there was a famous and very beautiful girl from the telly. One day she decided to run away from her handsome boyfriend who had smooth and well manicured fingers to a wizard called Timberstick. When he got her to a castle in Runda he began the ancient and secret game of 4ply (here you can sing a little lullaby, 1ply, 2ply, you get the drift). Not to be confused with foreplay which all boys know is just a waste of playstation time, 4ply is a spell practiced under a moonless night to the hypnotising strains of a lone saxophonist. However when you grow up and if you don’t study hard and go to college, you will hear it mentioned in player parlance as ‘short-circuiting a babe’s cpu’. So, this is what Timberstick did with his talented guitar-calloused and blinged up one digit, which came to be known throughout the kingdom simply as da Finga. It was studded like a courgette’s skin and curved like an aubergine, lovely vegetables that you must always eat whenever mummy cooks them for you. They are excellent sources of nutrients but only when chopped and cooked. Now, when boys were still writing with pencils, the wicked wizard was already printing in colour. He was also very experienced in the art of taking off a girl's bra with only one hand. Soon the beautiful girl was frothing at the lips close to dying but not at all in a bad way. She was riding through the sky without a care like a runaway helium balloon. Higher, higher close to heaven, when she saw how bright and beautiful heaven was she cried out: ‘Woooi , OMG…. Oh My God, what is that?’ (Note to parents: feel free to adapt the cry to suit your child’s deportment, religiosity etc, but keep it real)
  
  The evil 4plyer cackled back to her, ‘That my princess is the finger of god’.
  
  And the moral of the story, children? You must tell your teacher if someone wants to put your finger in the electric pencil sharpener. Goodnight my angels, night night….
  
  (Editor’s note: We are trying to see whether Disney will make a movie)
  
  
  Moving on swiftly here is a finger joke for the adults:
  
  One day John rang his wife from the offshore rig where he worked.
  ‘Honey don't worry, I’ve had a serious injury but am ok. An accident occurred and my finger was cut OFF.....'She yelled, ‘The hole finger?’ He answered, ‘NO, NO, the one right next to it. ...’

  
  

• Tamaku does London

  Posted: March 7, 2010, 10:44 pm by Tamaku

  When a generous client, mentor, one- time compañero and sometime benefactor sends an urgent email saying I want you up in England for a couple of days, all expenses paid, you don’t say mmmm, I’m not sure what I’ve got on my diary, Sanchez – let me think about it and I’ll get back to you. This is what happened to me the other week, so I hopped on a plane and arrived to a chilly London. One thing I noticed is that more roads are now potholed (shock, horror) but nothing remotely like Nairobi roads. My tattooed cabbie Dave told me the heavy snows of the previous months have played havoc on infrastructure, but I heard as if he called it infrastuckture. Apparently this happens when water-logged newly re-carpeted surfaces expand causing cracks on roads when it freezes. You learn something new every day, not all of it useful. Also did you know that jelly beans are good for causing a bowel movement? And another thing matey, Audi A6 estates and BMW 5 series are rubbish in snow, even many 4x4’s except Land Rover Discos, naturally, will struggle but you’d expect German cars to know a thing about snow. Talking of cars, Shiko-Msa if I get you that red Toyota Solara people might start to talk, hehehe...
  
  I had two straight days of intense meetings in Bishopsgate a short walk from Liverpool Street station and went back to my 3 star hotel room in Wembley after like every nice gay businessman does. I wished I’d brought my toys to keep me entertained as I watched porno on the old lappie, hahahaha, but a few nights without never hurt anyone though it can make you cranky in the mornings. The crowded tube carriage is one of my least favourite places anywhere during rush hour but it’s a microcosm of life in one of the world’s greatest cities. Desperately gaunt druggies in sodden coats on their way to chase dragons sat next to nervous Goldman Sachs millionaire wankers bankers in chic Aquascutum vintage coats on their way to/from a rat race for humans. And the women putting on their makeup flawlessly on the tube, vulgar with a capital V like Vietnam decadence, yet so captivating. My alter ego has extremist socialist views especially when I spot subtle displays of excess leave alone ostentatious ones. To be honest with you, I think the word I’m really looking for is envy.
  
  London was like enforced rehab for me because I didn’t drink a drop except on Saturday when I allowed myself more than a little treat to compensate. Saturday evening was raining incessantly, the kind of night when I’d never go out in Nairobi so I just sat in the hotel bar which was full of confident Man Utd fans over for the match with Aston Villa on Sunday. I met travelling discordant couple Marilyn and Lee (he’s Manu while she’s a hardcore brummie Villa fan) and we polished off a bottle of Bombay Sapphire and later chased with some Disaronno, you’d think I’d have learned my lesson about mixing drinks by now. Duly ginned, we blue-toothed email addresses and they said they’d come to Nairobi later in the year but it might just have been the drink talking.
  
  The hotel where I stayed is on Empire Way (suitably named for a queen, I thought) and I had a standard room overlooking a building site, I think it’s for Wembley City. But I didn’t mind because I could see the stadium arch from my room. I took this picture on my phone on Saturday night when I walked round the back of the hotel smoking a cigarette in the drizzle and after speaking on the phone to George. Sorry but my phone doesn’t have a zoom. There was a private party in one of the function rooms at the rear and when I heard PYT blasting away I was so tempted to gatecrash but I’m so glad I didn’t even though I can still shake it. Also my return flight home was on Sunday morning and I had the taxi booked for 6.
  
  When I arrived back in Nairobi, George picked me up from the airport and I said to him hey you my PYT, I really missed your loving. He said show me how much so we went straight home to bed and just had milky cocoa and biscuits after my shower, lol, you know what we actually had. Yes, yes, it was very good...
  
  
  

  
  

• Dear DiaryIt’s been one day ...

  Posted: March 6, 2010, 3:25 pm by Tamaku

  Dear Diary
  
  It’s been one day at a time resisting this urge to mock one Esther Rungu, a hubby called Timberdick, a pastor by the name Hellon and that Finger.
  
  So far so good.
  
  I am a good person but I’m feeling weak. The temptation is so strong.
  
  Will I make it?
  

  
  

• Blog followers and the power of prayer

  Posted: March 5, 2010, 4:49 pm by Tamaku

  Hello there my luvvies and esteemed friends, we have a new follower….drum roll please....welcome to number 80^th! Group hug everybody, feel all the love and warmth that we should me sharing? Wey-hey, ho ho, this calls for a little jig on the kitchen floor with Imelda and a cold tusker down my throat (first one of the day, I hasten to add). Do you think we would be a cult if you all came to our house and you guys stayed over forever and ever just like one big happy gay family? 

  On a serious note please don't forget to pray for the flooding in Samburu to subside and for our sister the lovely Esther Arunga to wake up and smell the shit around her. How many people who love and care about her is this beautiful woman determined to hurt? Please God, please please give us a happy ending....amen.

  Oh, hold on, I've just been handed my bottle of tusker baridi (the champers of beers) and a note by Imelda – "how many people do I want to love me???" Eh? Girl knows me tooo well.  Now let me shoot some pool with her and drink some lager, that's enough work for a furahiday….. xx xx xxx

  
  
  

  
  

• Habari gani? Give us a wave

  Posted: March 4, 2010, 6:09 pm by Tamaku

  Hello, hello, just a quickie to say we're fine thanks for asking. I haven't danced the last dance yet!  I've managed to avoid falling under a moving bus and when George mixed me a drink the other day I called out to him, 'no aconite root poison for me, honey bunch sweetie pie.' I'm just snowed under with some urgent work for a demanding client at the moment. I haven't spied a white car trailing us nor have strange men in suits and dark glasses turned up at the house asking to speak to me (sigh, a fantasy).
  

  I arrived back from the UK on Sunday night unscathed. The brakes on my car work ok, and the drinking water doesn't taste any different however I was reading somewhere that you start to die the day you are born….

  That's all for now my lovely friends. I'm feeling very cheery today so just wanted to say hi and that I'll be back soon. Oh, I've also caught a mild cold but nothing serious I hope. I'm happy with life generally and, contrary to rumours spreading like Starbucks, my blogging mojo hasn't deserted me.

  
  
  

  
  

• I'm standing by you

  Posted: February 25, 2010, 2:53 am by Tamaku

  I travel alone to London tomorrow on business, thankfully just for 4 days. I understand the weather there is arctic ; Please let me share with you Carrie Underwood's cover of 'I'll Stand By You'. Especially with my Ugandan brothers and sisters in mind during their darkest hours. Back soon, because I'll miss you, God-willing...
  
  xxx
  
  

  
  

• The bill Barack Obama calls 'odious'

  Posted: February 24, 2010, 3:09 am by Tamaku

  
  
  Let's make this viral, please share.

  
  

• What George got me for Valentine’s

  Posted: February 22, 2010, 12:30 am by Tamaku

  George is a big softie. On Valentine’s Day morning after breakfast he said he had a surprise for me, so I said no honey I don’t want to go back to bed just yet. He said don’t be silly and then he blindfolded me with a kitchen towel and took me by the hand. He said I’ve got you something nice and shiny that you can drive. I asked what now, surely way too extravagant to buy me a car when I already have a perfectly good one. And you know he’s working for a security company at the moment but not G4S which keeps losing lots of cash in transit though I admit a sinister thought did cross my mind. He laughed and replied noooo darling, no, be patient. It’s not a car but it has two wheels. By now we were outside the garage, my left fingers reaching out to feel the way ahead. I was so excited and giggling like a teenage girl because I was thinking could it be a brand new motorcycle like my friend’s Mike that I was riding in December? I’m not too materialistic but I don’t mind beautiful possessions.
  
  When the garage doors opened, I ripped off the blindfold and George put my prezzie in my hands, I laughed so hard when I saw it and gave him a big wet kiss. He won’t thank me for telling you this but when I looked at him next tears were streaming down his face just like our first time together. I knew he was crying for joy because I know giving makes you very happy. Here’s a photo of my prezzie, it’s a lovely toy bike made out of wire and customized for a gay Kenyan. It now has pride of place in the study. I feel just as if I got the real thing.
  
  On my part I baked George a chocolate heart-shaped cake which he’s saving for our first anniversary. I tell a teeny-weeny lie, it's actually Imelda who baked it but don’t tell him, besides he’s getting all that special loving all to himself, lol!
  
  

  
  

• Gay Kenyans will not go away

  Posted: February 21, 2010, 12:23 am by Tamaku

  Prof Makau Mutua on The Bench articulating the case for Gay Rights in Kenya. It’s a great piece - sorry about ‘drama queen’ Jeff.

  
  

• Bad Kenyan politics not good for nerves

  Posted: February 20, 2010, 7:15 pm by Tamaku

  Someone needs to tell both geriatric Prime Minister Raila and President Kibaki to stop their silly games, to put their toys away and learn to play nicely. No more smoke and mirrors please. They make me nervous with all the brinkmanship that I spend sleepless nights wondering whether we are going to wade through another frothy cesspool of mindless violence. Oh dear me, the mismanaged blame game might be exciting for some but I’d rather vote for the unbelievably tacky Esther Arunga-Joseph Hellon soap. I admit she’s got a lovely rack on her, even better than my friend Paprika has. I wonder whether the saxophonist has gotten his godly fingers and all that jazz over them. Joseph's not too bad either he just needs to lose the suit, bulk up, wear black ribbed tank-tops and stop frowning when facing the camera. Call me, I can make you very classy in time for 2012 (yes, we can!), because I branded many cow butts in my time. Ahem, erm, excuse me while I clear my throat...
  
  But I am now getting the jitters about our future here. Can you imagine by how many notches things will ratchet up when the ICC (for criminals, not the cricket one) names those it wants for masterminding Kenya’s post-election violence? I bumped into a former client who was out being walked by two untrained Jack Russells in our estate on Wednesday evening. She told me that her multinational head office have put on hold indefinitely investments earmarked this year for Kenya. Even the muscled guys who were laying the fibre-optic cable outside our street have left and no one knows when they’ll be back, so unfair.
  
  It comes as no surprise that investors are getting weary of the seesaw within what looks like a rudderless government. There’s ground swell sentiment in business circles that come 2012 political temperatures in Kenya are forecast to reach flash point bringing a freeze to any meaningful growth (if not a drastic downturn) in the economy. I don’t doubt my credible sources because I can’t see any way out unless the two principals learn to rein in amoral associates and dampen their own egos. Surely only fools keep wagging dogs and then bark themselves. I also thought, lucky you Sheryl to have such robust options on the table, it must be very comforting to know you can always jump on BA with your neurotic pooches and leave behind the potholes and the mad matatu drivers, but you’ll miss the weather and the servants though.
  
  I’ve almost lost faith in the way things have suddenly span out of control: why not let the anti-corruption commission do it’s job (yawn, don’t answer). Did I hear you say commission of inquiry to investigate? I thought not. And the police - are they too busy jailing hookers, raiding residences of suspected homosexuals, shooting pickpockets and tear-gassing innocent protesters - is detective really such a dirty word to them?
  
  We must never become inured to the rot in our public institutions. I don’t wish to be a prophet of doom and I’ll do my best to remain optimistic but at the moment all I can see are dark clouds gathering over the horizon. By the way, words of advice to Kuyu Hellon: three’s a crowd, like in this other saga, unless it’s a trio. Plan thy revenge.

  
  

• Does this pastor speak for you?

  Posted: February 19, 2010, 3:04 pm by Tamaku

  "In Africa, what you do in your bedroom affects our clan, it affects our tribe, it affects our nation," Pastor Martin Ssempa is reported to have told the BBC's Network Africa programme. 
  I guess he's a missionary man...
  
  

  
  

• Bottoms Up

  Posted: February 16, 2010, 2:39 am by Tamaku

  I find it hard to believe that it’s one year today since I started this blog. Imagine that! Doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun. So here we are over 250 posts later (ok, I agree some of them could hardly qualify as such, and all the videos I pinched from youtube along the way, hehehehe). Hey, your comments have also encouraged me on this journey.
  
  Tonight I wanted to say how much I really appreciate your great company and although I sometimes do push the boundaries you guys don’t really seem to mind too much. I’m sure you know by now that I’m never going to hurt even a fly. Therefore, good people, here’s to the next God knows how many more posts (and vids, sorry!)…chin chin everyone, bottoms up.
  
  By the way, I’ve considered putting a paypal button on this blog ‘cause I know some of you would like to buy me a drink or two, especially now that I’m unemployed, but I don’t know how to go about it. If it's any consolation I promise to kiss you all on the mouth should we meet, I'll even shut my eyes. Deal? Deal.

  
  

• Names

  Posted: February 15, 2010, 3:23 am by Tamaku

  What do you call Kenyan homophobes?
  
  Gay-nyans!

  
  

• Happy St Valentine's Day

  Posted: February 13, 2010, 11:01 pm by Tamaku

  
  
  We are just going out for dinner, George's treat. It's early but we both prefer tonight for our Valentine's Day date. Tomorrow could be trickier for a gay couple seen having an intimate dinner in this town. Not that I'm afraid or anything....
  
  Have a great time whatever you do. Love ya xxx xx

  
  

• Baby cooked in oven

  Posted: February 13, 2010, 5:38 pm by Tamaku

  Do you recall the time last year when I was broody and dreaming about being a dad? Well, after that post I received an amazing amount of emails from people (women?) who were willing to offer their help. My euphoria quickly dissipated before you could say wank, cup and turkey-baster when I realised that all those offers were shocking rent-a-womb. I haven’t come across any laws which prohibit these arrangements, though it’s a grey area fraught with legal pitfalls. Turns out these scammers were only after my money offering to bear my biological child, one even asked me to M-pesa ’commitment fees’!!! Aaargh. But the real reason why I didn’t pursue it was on my mum’s advice. She said just be patient son, someone will come along with whom you’ll fall in love and you’ll be blessed with many kids. Problem is that mummy doesn’t know I’m in love with George but he’s never liked the idea of wearing a maternity dress though he’s partial to nibbling a nipple now and again, hahahaha...
  
  Anyway in the course of my research I also discovered a place in Nairobi that offers IVF treatment. I just typed into google ‘nairobi ivf baby cooked in oven’ (as you would) and that was the top result. And I also discovered other such facilities in wonderful places like South Africa and India. I’m so excited but all I can say at this point is that I feel a whole new world of possibilities has opened up for us. Hint: Arrival of Tamaku Jnr may involve a lesbian friend.
  
  Since you are now like family, and always so nice to me (unlike some people) you can all be uncles and aunts…

  
  

• Toyota

  Posted: February 10, 2010, 11:57 pm by Tamaku

  I was up late last night thinking about all the hullabaloo surrounding safety issues and Toyota. I’m sure it’s all one conspiracy to try and resuscitate America’s auto industry, but it may backfire because the Toyota brand has already seeped deep into people’s consciousness. I love Toyota cars even though I’ve never owned one myself. If you can guess correctly what car I drive, I swear I’ll come over personally and tickle you until you cry please, please Tamaku stop but I won’t stop until you pee on yourself, lol! However I detest those models that look like freestanding wardrobes on wheels, here I’m talking about Toyota Voxy and it’s ungainly cousin Toyota Noah. Sorry but it’s very easy to confuse one of these in the hazy Nairobi traffic with a pregnant Zebu cow. Not too sexy unless you’re a farmer’s wife called Mrs Noah who’s getting ready to go on a cruise (speaking of which, does anyone know what her real name was please, I promise I won’t come and tickle you unless you want me to).
  
  My wonderful George, who is now sitting at my feet on the floor watching a good bootleg copy of City of God as I type this (oh, the irony), is like a Lexus LS460 with heated leather seats, warm and a joy to cuddle but he can make your ass sweat when he’s in the mood. I think I’d say I’m more like the 'humble’ Avensis, good thrust when needed and with a decent trunk which shuts well, lol! Which reminds me - George wrongly says I like to wield power around here. I don’t know whatever gave him that impression but I don’t mind so long as he does what he’s told. And forget all that nonsense about gays having faulty 'brakes', take it from me nothing wrong with our 'brakes' after many miles on the clock never had even one skidmark…
  
  Ok, mmmmm, now let’s see if I can pick on a couple of lovely fellow bloggers and pair them with a suitable model of Toyota: In my mind I think Shiko-Msa is like a red Toyota Solara with the top down cruising through Mama Ngina Drive on a hot afternoon, classy and interesting ;) while Rox is like a canary-yellow Toyota Supra in 17-inch gunmetal rims and tinted windows, distinctive and fun (NOT a euphemism for easy by the way, hehehehehe. Dear sweetie, Rox, darling, sugar, honey please don’t hit me). Let me stop there before I get myself in more trouble than I already am. Hahahaha…

  
  

• Straight-talking Politician

  Posted: February 10, 2010, 3:13 pm by Tamaku

  The Malawi authorities have told gay activists who put up posters and distribute leaflets on the streets anonymously to "come out in the open".

  Government official Kingsley Namakhwa said it was against the law to mount such campaigns anonymously.

  But he also pointed out that homosexuality was illegal, and anyone promoting it would be prosecuted.

  
  (Source: BBC)
  
  

  
  

• The Beautiful Game and understanding the offside rule

  Posted: February 7, 2010, 11:49 pm by Tamaku

  Last Sunday George and I got invited by our Nigerian neighbour Theo to watch the televised final of the African Cup of Nations final at his house. I was rooting for Ghana because I like the way their kit showed off their well-toned physiques and the contrast of the white on the ebony was just pure gay heaven. George came along for the football (I’m also a fan of sorts) while Theo was cheering on Egypt because he was still holding a grudge following the semi-final defeat his countrymen suffrered at the hands of the Ghanaians.
  
  So we drank me brodah Theo’s booze (lots of it, remember I don’t have to get up and go anywhere these days) and gorged ourselves on among other delights boiled quail eggs (from that lady doctor over in Lavington). I need to get off my fat ass and make better use of my membership at Parklands Sports Club to get back in shape like the hottie I aspire to be. Incidentally Theo’s mid-thirties, handsome in an African Forrest-Gump sort of way, athletic and a scientist who lives alone with two cats in a beautiful bungalow. Just the kind of guy you shouldn’t introduce to your boyfriend because you should keep him all to yourself, lol. There are some things about Theo that scream iko matata hapo mbele (trouble lies ahead). It was the first time we’ve been to his place, we normally meet while taking walks in the evening and just wave. We both assumed that Theo was straight but after an hour in his house I set my gay-o-meter to alert mode.
  
  Here’s the evidence that set those alarm bells ringing:
  
  - Straight alpha-male ( Theo) in lush dreadlocks invites two male neighbours who live together and are obviously a couple (in love) to his house to watch a game of football. Unfair home advantage springs to mind.
  
  - Straight man then sprawls on the floor of immaculate home drinking lots of lovely alcohol, moisturised footballer-legs wide apart (slut) wearing only a tiny pair of mauve Ralph Lauren shorts (displaying what looks like a yummy overstuffed wrap-sandwich), fingers lazily stroking away silky navel pubes while flaunting naked tight six-pack abs (who does he think he is, Tyrese? Why‘s he gonna act like that?)
  
  - Straight man’s pumped man titties on show are just crying out to be tweaked as he lies on that super-soft luxurious sheepskin made from at least three innocent Molo lambs (poser).
  
  - Straight man arranges napkins on rustic teak coffee table in the rose fold.
  
  I was thinking wishing, is this guy not gay because from what I could see he was Interpol’s description of hot Nigerian man-stealer called Theo ( a love-god’s name to boot, tsk..tsk) but I might have been offside.
  
  I kept a beady eye on Theo whenever he rolled side to side on the rug as he stretched a pedicured foot playfully catching George’s calf with a ’free-kick’ (surely a bookable offence) every time the ref blew the whistle…..like he himself wanted to blow something else....puhleeze!!

  
  

• Big Car, Small Dick

  Posted: February 5, 2010, 3:00 am by Tamaku

  Tuesday afternoon I was standing in a queue at the bank. There was a man ahead of me at the counter getting serviced served, he was being quite loud so much that everyone could hear his business.
  
  So there he was, standing in dusty shoes and wearing a mismatched suit which are sure signs of the Kenyan billionare, wobbly belly swaying over cantilevered trouser-belt which is the third sign of Nairobi's obscenely wealthy. I was wondering how much money you'd have to get paid to sleep with someone like that (zillions at least) or how much alcohol do you have to imbibe before you can do it with the lights on. Meanwhile his short, chubby but surprisingly athletic fingers (It's not the size of the finger that matters, but the size of the ring. Lol, big fat lie!) were banging away to the annoying crescendo of the note counting machine as he transacted small fortunes across multiple accounts, setting up standing orders, getting bankers' cheques and just for good measure he also drew a few hundred thousand 'to pay the workers, haha ha ha'. I even saw him slide the cashier a couple thou, for lunch. The people in the jittering lunchtime queue were far from impressed. BTW, my bank offers me teas and coffees while I'm waiting but nowhere to powder my nose, where is the sense in that?
  
  After 'beached-whale trucking mini-waterfall-cascading-down-the-crack-of-bum (lovely sweat, mmmm)' waddled out of Barclays the young woman behind me muttered: 'These sad men who want people to notice them - it's all about the size of the cock!'
  
  
  Just be yourself, you are somebody and the world belongs to you too. Glenn Jones
  
  

  
  

• Gorilla on steroids

  Posted: February 2, 2010, 11:41 pm by Tamaku

  My sister whispered to me when I got back to our table at the restaurant where we had lunch the other day bro you really mince when you walk. I just laughed in her face because many years ago she told me I used to walk too agressively with my feet pointing ten to two, so I taught myself a new walk. Perhaps I've been swish since then, managing to conceal the wriggle in my bottom under suit jackets.
  
  But now I'm at the point in life where I can't be bothered with doing stuff just to please people. So I'm not going to stop wearing fishnets or listening to Madonna and I'm definitely not going to start walking around like a gorilla on steroids.
  
  I'll just be me.

  
  

• The au pair who loved me (without those irritating subtitles)

  Posted: January 30, 2010, 4:23 am by Tamaku

  Three years ago I stayed with my best friend Mike in Thigiri for two months while our house was getting renovated. I was ensconced at the lavish poolside guest suite at the back of the main house separated from the domestic servant quarters by a large cabro-paved courtyard.
  
  Mike’s two angelic offspring are my cherished godchildren and at the time they had an au pair, a young woman from a neighbouring French-speaking country. Mike and Zawadi just wanted their kids to get a head start in life from speaking a foreign language. The au pair’s name was Brigitte and she used to sleep in the domestic servants’ quarters 20 metres or so from my suite.
  
  One breezy night I was startled by an urgent tapping on the bedroom window to spy Brigitte standing outside in the leafy shadows. I thought she looked petrified so I said come to the door and then I got out of the cosy warm bed in my pyjamas after I deftly shut my proscribed-in-Kenya gay porn mag and slipped it under the mattress. When she came to the door I saw Brigitte only had on a deliciously flimsy lavender-coloured see-through nightie more like a mini-camisole and nothing else under. And I mean nothing. Picture that sight because it really happened but then I thought, wait a minute, am I imagining things but I wasn’t imagining because she was there in the flesh and I hadn’t had a drink (hard for some to believe but true). I asked her what’s the matter and she said she was so afraid to sleep in her room alone because she’d eyed a monster spider careening under her bed.
  
  Now, I totally understand the fear of arachnids and other creepy crawlies so I caught her arm said you better come inside quickly and get out of harm’s way. I closed the door and said I’ll go wake Mike and ask him what to do but she sshh-shhed me and whispered hoarsely (excuse me but I’ll do my best to do the accent):
  
  ‘No need to coll Mr Mike, Tamakuh. Of al’ ze men I’ve met since I come to Kenyah, therez sam-sing spécial that…how do you say?….. ooo- la- la….draws me like a magnet to you….aaahh. Me and you…we spend ze night togezzer and no ozer personne needs to know I promesse, non?’
  
  So flattering these French-accented lovelies, but oh so, so unfair. Why, why, why knock on the wrong door? Why would it not have been a monsieur kneeling before me asking me about suckin ze kok..
  
  She was standing right up close her eyes flickering wildly like fireflies and I was gulping the night air ogling her goodies. I sink ze fear of ze spider and ze cold July night had made ze nipples stand all sharp and pointy like…
  
  That’s when the penny dropped. But you know me I always do as I’m telled (new English word, lol!)and don’t like to disappoint anyone, least of all damsels in disdress, so I said it’s a very generous offer but not here and not tonight my dear. If you like you can have ze warm bed and I’ll sleep on ze couch. This is what we did until the next morning when I woke up to find she’d gone.
  
  Later that day I called the house from the office to speak to Brigitte. I told her she was absolutely gorgeous but I didn’t think anything should happen between the two of us because of too many complications but I was happy for us to remain friends. Brigitte was taking none of it lying down, she asked me sweetly why not, could we not be friends with benefeets or what you call in English buck fuddies? (opps there’s a spoonerism just for you!) I said I’ve thought long and hard (lies) - but I don’t want to use you and end up hurting your feelings (trues)…I remember also using other words like ‘respect’, 'frogs and princes' and ‘commitment’…blah blah blah. After that we shook hands mentally and agreed to just be friends.
  
  It all turned out well in the end. Brigitte soon met up with one of her compatriots who swept her off her feet in a Mills and Boon with violins-in-the-background romance style. Last year they went back home and now I’m invited to the Land of a Thousand Hills for their wedding later this year.
  
  I’m happy that we were able to develop and maintain such a wonderful friendship to this day.

  
  

• Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?

  Posted: January 28, 2010, 12:15 pm by Tamaku

  A long time ago, around the time that Trust Bank went under with our terminally ill neighbour’s life savings, I used to be flat mates with a lovely young lady from somewhere down south. She was a stunning black beauty (a deep-black gem a kind rarely seen in Kenya those days).
  
  One day she said to me, ‘Tam, I’m sexually and emotionally starved, I need a boyfriend. Why do the ‘half-caste’ girls have all the nice guys?’ Fact is some black Nairobians equate biracial (aka ‘.5’ or ‘pointi’) with superior social and economic status placing them somewhere in between White and Asian people. These snobs, usually wearing emerald-colored contact lenses, like posing in roach-infested nightclubs combing tobacco-stained fingertips through the tangled blonde weaves sewn on their heads. I replied in a lisp because I used to wear teeth braces back then: ‘Join the queue thithta. I know how you feel because I too desperately need a boyfriend but any caste will do.’ Anyway deep in her mind she was convinced that the reason she didn’t have a steady guy was because she was pitch-dark in complexion. You’ll be amazed the number of people who have self-image issues.
  
  So Janice went out and bought some skin lightening creams which came in yellow tubes, it’s not legal to sell them any more. I said please do be careful you don’t need that poison, you really look amazing just the way God made you, however if you must then don’t leave the tubes lying around in the bathroom I might confuse them for that cream I use to treat my piles. Her mind was made up to attempt to dilute her blackness and nothing would stop her. Well, the results in a few short months were extreme. Soon she looked yellow all over even difficult to ‘treat’ areas like knuckles, knees, ankles, and elbows. She felt vindicated when she shortly hooked herself a nice guy who loved to show off his light-skinned catch.
  
  One Saturday night we were all at the flat jus’ chillaxin’, too broke to go anywhere listening to Musical Youth, ‘how does it feel when you’ve got no food?’ when the boyfriend chanced on a photograph of a younger ‘old’ Janice in the drawer where we used to hide our stash of weed (highly illegal in Kenya make sure you never get caught or they’ll make an example of you unless you have friends in high places – lol!). He asked aloud, ‘Who is this?’ Janice looked spooked but she recovered quickly and lied: ‘It’s my cuzin from bek home.’ The boyfriend looked at the picture again and said, ‘Your cousin is one deadly chick’ but he didn’t mean she had chlamydia (now that's deadly) that’s just the way we used to talk then. Then we carried on passing the spliff on the left hand side.
  
  A year later I was overjoyed to learn they were expecting a baby. When baby Tandy finally arrived she was an original dark copy of her mother. 100% African.
  
  Sting in the tail is that the boyfriend left them because he felt cheated to discover that he had been dating 'local' all along....

  
  

• Life is about one gay at a time and keeping fit playing sports (long version)

  Posted: January 23, 2010, 1:02 am by Tamaku

  I think I’m getting a little lazier by the day. I resigned my job at the beginning of December to ‘pursue other interests’ because I believed life should not be just about sitting in endless meetings listening to the same old chatter and nodding like a puppy while dreaming, the sky is so blue and the sun is really shining brightly outside, how I wish I was working on a farm milking cows. We’re still looking for an ideal piece of land to come along at the right price. In the interim I get by on morsels dripping from freelance consultancy work but I’m not exactly overwhelmed. I even put in for voluntary work but nothing yet.
  
  George also left his job with the police force. He’s now a supervisor for a security firm (not the one that keeps losing millions of shillings in transit, ok?). I can’t tell you which one otherwise I’d have to kill you, lol! Anyway he’s definitely getting more confident; thankfully he’s never had that problem in bed hehehehehe. A long time ago I read lies somewhere (no doubt by a sad and lonely bachelor) that there’s nothing like an impotent man; just an incompetent woman. Some men! And the pay George is getting is way better. I’m so happy for him because your self-esteem can take a dent when you’ve got a college diploma but end up working as a Nairobi traffic policeman (many might disagree).
  
  Weekdays I normally get out of bed 8am-ish scratching my bum yawning and thinking foggily, ‘Thank you dear Lord for a lovely new day but what am I going to do with it?’ The demons in my head reply, ‘Tam, today you are going to do less than you did yesterday,’ and shortly after I have breakfast, cooked for me by Imelda (tireless gay-friendly house-keeper). I then sit sipping Sasini-gold black tea in the garden or on the balcony while I catch up on the newspapers. I can’t bear the morning news on the telly. I think that’s when you’re most likely to endure dyslexic presenters. One newsreader who looks like how I imagine William Ruto's and Martha Karua’s lovechild might look over shuffles papers as though she’s ad libbing, everyone knows it’s the autocue, sweetie.
  
  I grab a quick wash next, lately singing what, what in the butt for inspiration. Let me confess at this point, my friends, that yes I do pee in the shower. Don’t be disgusted it’s really textbook man-alone-in-shower and we’ve had this conversation before. It’s how men are plumbed between the legs even the bits look like taps anyway. After I dry myself and dust some nivea pure fine talc on my nuts I get dressed. Freedom means no more suits just tracksuit bottoms and loose kitenge tops. I then sit in the study lying to myself that I'll get some work done at the computer. BTW, there are so many unsecured wireless connections around here it beggars belief. Every other day I also make kit calls to former colleagues (to keep in touch). It’s easy to forget and be forgotten and I also don’t want to cut myself off completely from other humans. This goes on till 11am when I go downstairs to join Imelda for the rest of the day. She’s usually getting our lunch ready or doing some cleaning so I get in the way talking too much while drinking lager. I know it’s very naughty because I now drink at least 3 deliciously cold tuskers before lunch. But not the other day because I wanted to be sharp while live-streaming Clinton’s major policy address on internet freedom. Cheers and good work Hillary!
  
  Imelda is wonderful company and so, so easy to be around. I’m not just saying it, she really is one of God's angels. I love to bounce my tipsy ideas off her from the labyrinth I used to navigate that is branding and PR. In exchange I’m learning about accounting and finance (she’s taking a course at a college in town). Some days I forget about lunch (cold beers can numb the mind and they dull the appetite). So we play some pool (I'm good, but not misspent-youth good) or darts (flukey) in the family room which we converted to a games room and I end up having 5 or 6 half-litre cans straight from the fridge before 3 pm. Imelda never has an alcoholic beverage during the day unless it’s election time when we are nervously awaiting results but sometimes I secretly wish she’d drop her guard because I’d love to peel away the layers for a sneaky peek, see what I find (*major eye-roll*, some people and their filthy thoughts, eish!). She told me last week that now she’s got me during the day it’s like we are a married couple. I laughed but I wasn’t thinking anything like that. I just hope we get to that farm or something worthwhile to do soon. Check my CV, if you hear anything interesting please drop me an email.
  
  In the meantime you can all rest assured that I’m getting better at playing pool.
  
  (Pic is of the shoeshine bank on Aga Khan Walk - Harambee Avenue near my old office)
  
  

  
  

• Paradise has a name

  Posted: January 22, 2010, 1:59 am by Tamaku

  I feel a holiday coming...
  
  

  
  

• O!M!G!

  Posted: January 20, 2010, 1:09 am by Tamaku

  
  
  I like singing this in the shower...

  
  

• Chickens come home to roost and some want to touch your tits

  Posted: January 19, 2010, 3:30 am by Tamaku

  About half a year ago I posted here about my concerns on the growing security threat facing Kenya from lawless Somalia unless drastic preemptive action was taken. There are various elements from that territory (some have already shown their hand in last week's audacious riots in Nairobi's CBD) who threaten our way of life and the government must waste no more time in taking decisive action to smash them.
  
  Otherwise we face a real risk of having Kenyan womens' bras confiscated if they should fail the Al-Shabab firm-bust test.

  
  

• Which uncouth homosexual tried to finger Barack Muluka, eh? Now look what you’ve done.

  Posted: January 17, 2010, 10:11 pm by Tamaku

  I was sitting alone in the garden the other morning having breakfast and trying to figure out what event could have triggered the recent outburst from Barack Muluka. Question: By the way is it Barack with a single or two r's? I felt the anger in the article, it was very personal, I thought here’s a dude who needs to get a grip and lighten up. Especially when I read that part about coming ‘across uncouth male characters who will even try to finger you in conversation and try ‘taking you out’. Mmmmm....this one takes himself too seriously.
  
  Sounds to me like a distressed plea to get shown the ropes on how to ‘congress homosexually’ (reverse psychology 101 chapter on Spotting the Repressed Kenyan Homosexual). Yuck, these ‘journalists’ will try anything all in the name of advancing their craft. Ok fair enough Barry, you know me, always happy to help out. Only condition is that before we proceed and get you trained on this fingering business I must insist you first have an enema. Pure and simple. Yep, you heard right! No ifs no buts darling, fix a hose of gushing water up your arse and enjoy. You can tape old copies of the Standard on the walls to prevent any splatter messing up your room’s decor. Because shit happens also make sure you do it when you are all alone, they’ll be a lot of erm, previously unseen compacted faecal material. (The mental picture was enough to put me right off my breakfast,lol).
  
  Allow me to refresh your memory, dear reader, just where you might have come across that brand of fascist vitriol before. The unwarranted aggression and habit of conflating abhorrent acts of criminality (rape, bestiality , paedophilia) with homosexuality is spookily common to that toerag blogger ‘Blake’ who used to spew his lies here before he got shut down. He’s always whining about how he was shat on. These bullies who can’t take it like a man, I pity them. Since he moved to the other place he’s faded into obscurity.
  
  Or is this the resurrection?

  
  

• Go, Kenya Go!

  Posted: January 13, 2010, 1:25 am by Tamaku

  I’m delighted with the news that Kenyans are now using over 15 million condoms per month up from 7 million. It's phenomenal considering George and I only got together last year and also after that scare about 'leaky' condoms in the market! By the way would it be fitting to name such a child 'Houdini'? Lol!
  
  Seriously though, I just pray the statistics are to be believed because I haven’t seen anyone round our house rifling through the bins....

  
  

• Getting a boy to do a man’s job where cash is king

  Posted: January 12, 2010, 12:52 am by Tamaku

  Reading the harrowing tales of abuse that Kenyan maids have suffered at the hands of their Saudi masters I’m reminded how shamefully some gay expatriates and well-heeled Kenyans are guilty of employing male domestic workers (gardeners, drivers, house-keepers etc) and also subjecting them to horrendous abuse.
  
  There’s an abundance of unskilled labour here in one of the world’s most unequal countries, so some unscrupulous employers get away with paying salaries as low as KSH 4,000 (around USD 50) per month! for 18 hour–days with no shortage of candidates to exploit. The nightmare for the mwananchi (‘citizen’ but lately used by politicians to mean gullible slum-dwelling hoi polloi or The Great Unwashed) can start when he responds to one of those ads placed on shopping mall noticeboards: ‘Live-in Houseboy Wanted by Expat’.
  
  ‘Expat’ in Kenya for many locals conjures up images of better working conditions, Weetabix, evergreen money-growing trees on a well-tended lawn, red Corps Diplomatique licence plates and the chance to dine at the drivers’ canteen when you get taken to the Mara on a working-holiday, wow. Unfortunately there are also cases of some ‘houseboys’ (sometimes married men with families, by the way) being coerced to perform sexual acts as demanded from time to time by the boss. If you thought you had a bad day at the office, think again. This is job mis-description with ass-licking for real!
  
  Sadly a combination of ‘macho society’ and the fear of losing a job means these faceless victims continue to wipe away nightly tears of shame in silence, within plush gated- communities and the over-manicured kei apple hedges grown to keep one set of undesirables from the other. Another irony is that the male employer (saddled with the excessive pay and perks of a business mogul but usually working for NGOs to help the living-on-less-than-a-dollar-a-day Kenyans) is able to buy a veneer of respectability because he hasn’t taken on a female worker. It’s also a fact that Kenyan women form the obvious sexual diet for the majority of predatory employers.
  
  What troubles me still is these are some of the many people here who refer to an adult man as ‘boy’ or grown woman as ‘girl ‘ – 'houseboy', 'shamba-boy' (gardener). Might there be a perverse connection with the apathy that seems to surround the cases of child abuse in this country?

  
  

• What to do now?

  Posted: January 10, 2010, 3:07 am by Tamaku

  First poll of 2010 is here. Thanks for those who voted in the last one, I hope anyone who confessed to seeing me naked in their dreams has dried themselves up after a cold shower. Anyway (moving on swiftly) this new poll concerns the boyfriend of a friend’s cousin, a best friend and Facebook. I’m told the issue of cheating is one that plagues many gay relationships. Please vote and let me know what you’d do in the circumstances; poll’s on the left.

  
  

• What do traditions have to do with any marriage?

  Posted: January 6, 2010, 1:23 am by Tamaku

  Homophobes like to argue against gay unions citing 'traditions'. So here comes a video clip* that deals with some of those 'traditions'.
  
  
  
  *With permission from Keith Hartman

  
  

• Kenyans must come together to save Mau Forest even if it means giving Daniel arap Moi more tea

  Posted: January 5, 2010, 1:31 am by Tamaku

  We returned to a sodden Nairobi last night which made it a tad better for my arthritic knee after arctic Britain. I see that ex-President Moi has been bolstering his 'impeccable' elder-statesman credentials with his unhelpful brand of science expounding how scarring swathes of Mau Forest Complex with tea plantations has not contributed to any detrimental effects on this crucial water tower. And a member of his erstwhile government William Ole Ntimama has joined the fray claiming to have allocated the forest land under duress. He’s conveniently invoking the principle of following orders (Nuremberg Defense-style) because I know wily Bill Ole Ntimama is no one’s fool.
  
  You can say teetotaller Moi and Ntimama are like frequent whisky- mixed- with- red-wine hangovers; they just get worse and dangerous with age. Scientific fact coming up: More congeners in dark-coloured drinks will give you monster hangovers.
  
  Moi in his trademark raspy voice and toting a silver-tipped ivory baton likes to cloak himself as a traditionalist and a staunch Christian. Who can forget him in the 90’s striking out viperously against homosexuality terming it unAfrican and unChristian? In order to be respected, authority has got to be respectable (Tom Robbins, much respect), unfortunately most of what we remember about Moi is how he, his family and cronies were implicated in many sophisticated corruption scandals of unforgivable proportions. I doubt he has the sense God gave the crocodiles on the Mara River (when they lie waiting for wildebeeste) to draw less attention to himself.
  
  I’m 99.99% certain he’ll now be at the front of the queue; cap in hand, chasing a bumper compensation for dubiously acquired property. Let’s just pay him off and hope it buys him sleep in his sunset years.

  
  

• Passing the paper

  Posted: December 31, 2009, 2:24 am by Tamaku

  George and I arrived in London a couple of days ago to be with my siblings over New Year's. It was freezing when my bro Timmy and his wife picked us up from Heathrow, so much so that when we got to the house in Esher they had to sort us out with electric blankets and hot water bottles. We both had zero blood flowing through our circulatory systems...brrrrr and you know how bad that is for sex.
  
  BTW flight KQ 116 to Amsterdam for the connection to London was crap and I'm still annoyed about it but that's the subject of a detailed post coming here very soon.
  
  In the meantime please enjoy some Direct Drive passing the paper.
  
  

  
  

• Never forget 97

  Posted: December 29, 2009, 2:05 am by Tamaku

  I just wanted to say a big Thank You to all who visit my blog - much love to you all.
  
  I share Femi Kuti's performance here and I hope you'll feel the fire that comes with it. Only one Fela. I'll never forget 97 but I plan to keep smiling whatever.
  
  Happy 2010 everyone. xx xxx.
  
  
  Femi Kuti - 97 - Live Africa Shrine
  Uploaded by piRjtull. - See the latest featured music videos.

  
  

• Storm over paradise

  Posted: December 24, 2009, 2:55 pm by Tamaku

  Happy Christmas and best wishes for the New Year to friends (and foes) from a rain-soaked Nairobi. Last night the taps in heaven really opened but we say thanks for the rain because it was getting beyond a joke.
  
  Laters, and hope you all have a great time, we plan to.... xxx xxx xx

  
  

• The Doctor

  Posted: December 17, 2009, 4:33 pm by Tamaku

  I recently saw a poster on a roadside utilities cabinet near the City Stadium (Italics are mine):
  
  'Dr Hodari - Consultant Doctor (tel 0721 xxx xxx) helps in -
  
  * Love portions (Stir-in and drink from a horny goat's horn?)
  
  * Man Power (This deficiency is not about the lack of employment, lol)
  
  * Woman weakness (Casanova's cure?)
  
  * Family Affairs (Dear Dr, I have the hots for my son...?)'
  
  It's a mad world for sure.

  
  

• G touring on two wheels

  Posted: December 15, 2009, 11:11 pm by Tamaku

  My best friend Mike lent me his new Honda 250cc motorbike for the day so I thought I’d take it for a spin on the outskirts of Nairobi to a place called Kitengela . I cruised gaily feeling like one of them from CHiPs in my Oakley whisker black shades up to just after Mlolongo where I’d forgotten there are diversions due to road works. So much plant – Bomag rollers, Shantui diggers, Caterpillars with buckets the size of an average lorry. The Chinese really do know how to build roads, I think it’s all in the stir-fry. But this section of road is rough terrain and I was breathing in serious dust especially from the lorries around Bamburi Cement and East African Portland Cement. The air quality around those parts doesn’t feel too healthy.
  
  I got to Kitengela town at about 2pm and stopped at Tarino Butchery (what happened to Tarino the soft drink from the 80's?) for a change, we normally have our lunch at Mariakani Meat Park which is directly opposite or at Hotel Nomad which is further up the road. My helmet visor was covered in a chalky dust which I wiped off on my jeans’ bum. They usually have meat ready cooked so I ordered chemsha (boiled beef) and mbavu choma (roast goat ribs), ugali with kachumbari salad which was excellent . I laughed when I saw the sign next to the sink where I washed my hands: tafadhali usiteme mate wala kunawa uso kwa sink (please do not spit or wash your face at the sink). When I read it first I thought ‘mate’ (Swahili for spit) was ‘mate’ as in friend. Lol!
  
  I also saw two handsome Masai men in traditional dress holding hands and carrying heavy rungu’s (clubs) so I didn’t ask them if they were gay because there was 50:50 chance I may be very wrong.
  
  After lunch I thought I can’t stand that section of rough road again or else I’ll bring up my lunch on Mike’s new toy so I turned off towards Tuskys Athi, vroomed past the Ministry of Livestock Development Meat Training Institute (I swear that’s what the sign said, so next time you have a disciplined steak you’ll know where it’s come from). I joined the Mombasa Road at Devki Steel Mills and stopped at Zahra Service Station (please pave your forecourt) for petrol and to make a phone call to the other half who was so jealous because he was at work. I said honey please pray for me I’m on Mike’s bike on Mombasa Road and there are trucks and buses driven by maniacs everywhere.
  
  When I got to River Park Estate more dust went up my nose which made me wonder for some few seconds why people ever bother snorting cocaine but I was more curious about the modular houses which look like upside down teacups. So I went off to have a look but when I got there it was just a big black gate and no one to ask. Please if someone knows what they are please let me know.
  
  Nearer to Nairobi after City Cabanas I walked the bike in traffic for about 40 minutes because I know it can be fatal for cyclists when inconsiderate drivers suddenly open their doors. I was next to a 40ft Kuehne Nagel container truck wondering how flat as a pancake I’d be if it toppled over. I saw two youngish lads riding precariously standing on the rear bar of a pickup truck, just another way to get home.
  
  Luckily I just beat the real rush hour headache when I arrived at our house. I’ve just had a long shower and I’m relaxing in the study waiting for George. Imelda is making one of my favs for our dinner which is tilapia caught this morning but soon to be swimming in a rich tomato sauce served with KPL Super Aromatic Rice in coconut milk which is just so delish. That’ll put me in the mood for what-you-are-thinking-of-when-you-are-not-sleeping- which- is- sex. Goodnight all.

  
  

• He's back!

  Posted: December 11, 2009, 4:56 pm by Tamaku

  My dear George came back home last night. He said he had needed some space - I wonder do men get PMS? I was so happy to see him I said honey don't worry about anything we'll work through our problems. Our family is back together again and that's all that counts for now.
  
  Imelda and I missed Gee so much we had a small party for him when he got here, pizzas and lots of wine. I said a silent prayer thanks God for bringing my love back home safe. I also folded away my old Raymonds Polar Bear blanket that I've had since I was a little boy (I picked it up from my mum's on Monday night) and which I was using to comfort me through the lonely nights, even though it's been easily 20 degrees at night. I haven't been to work today and neither has George, we've been in the garden talking and basking in the sun.
  
  Thanks everyone for your kindness - my heart was warmed by your concern and your love dried my tears of despair. I'm sure Gee knows how much he means to me and to you guys too. Have a lovely weekend all. xxx x

  
  

• Honey please come back I love you

  Posted: December 7, 2009, 3:29 am by Tamaku

  George walked out this evening. We had a small argument, just about him ignoring me and stuff. I'm heartbroken,I love him with all my heart all you guys are my witness. Now I feel as if I'm going to die.
  
  Gee, honey I know you'll come to the blog, this is for you baby. I'm so sorry for anything I said or did. Please come back home.
  
  

  
  

• A pussycat growls?

  Posted: December 5, 2009, 4:01 am by Tamaku

  I don’t know what to make of claims that the world’s greatest golfer is ‘horrible in bed’. Part of me wants to cry and send some tips because it’s not nice when someone says that about you especially when your first name is Tiger - the grrrrr. The other side of me wants to just lol! thinking it might be a case of putting in the wrong hole....mmmm? Mmmm? Lol!

  
  

• Joining the dots

  Posted: December 2, 2009, 12:24 am by Tamaku

  It’s that time again friends. Yes we have another poll! Weeheeeii!! Well well, first let’s recap on what we’ve seen from polls conducted here so far:
  
  1) The majority want Kenya to decriminalise homosexuality
  
  2) Kalonzo Musyoka was chosen as the sexiest male politician
  
  3) The dream cock picked was the cut one (such fashion victims *eye-roll, sigh* but the people have spoken!)
  
  So what do these results really mean? My take is that many Kenyans will come out of the closet once Kalonzo becomes President of Kenya, but he first needs to cut a deal with KANU (party of the cockerel, get it?). There’s a method to the madness, please bare bear with me because that’s all the analysis my brain can process for now, it’s nearly full.
  
  So, let move on to the new poll which deals with bisexuality. It’s on the left. Please vote. Thanks.

  
  

• It's human to make it right

  Posted: December 1, 2009, 4:10 pm by Tamaku

  Remembering the carers on World AIDS Day 2009.

  
  

• Second Chances

  Posted: November 29, 2009, 12:00 am by Tamaku

  Two weeks ago I was busy with annual staff appraisals. I know many people I work with secretly loathe these rituals but they are an inevitable tool for touching base so we just get on with it. I had a copy of 101 Ways To Kill Your Boss by Graham Roumieu sitting idly on my desk which was a good ice-breaker. BTW check out what the genius Sunny Bindra thinks of these office games.
  
  One of my colleagues, let’s call her Cathy because that’s not her real name, has been troubling me recently. Cathy has a first rate mind and her work is greatly admired by her peers. But lately she’s started acting out of character – missing deadlines, turning up for work under the influence and generally coming within inches of being shown the door.
  
  Cathy is also very attractive and charming. You better believe it when a gay man says that. However this immensely talented woman is steadily gaining a reputation for being an easy lay. My colleague Sheila confided in me the other day that some clients now refer to Cathy as 'the Trampoline of Harambee Avenue'! Tragic considering this whispering campaign is happening behind her back and it’s the guys she’s changing weekly who are the culprits.
  
  Anyway she walked into my office looking stunning as usual in a well-fitting pin-stripe business suit and tottering on black heels. I felt an unfamiliar twitch in my trousers but I quickly telepathed a sharp warning to my cock, If your dick causes you to sin then cut it off, from the scriptures or somewhere I can’t remember where I saw it written. Then I said please take a seat. I had my nasty-Tamaku speech all ready: Listen very carefully to what I’m about to say because I’ll only say it once. From now on you must come to work to do what is expected of you. That’s called Pride. Bring your own morale with you if that’s what you need to earn a living. Think of your career and the lovely cold hard cash that comes with it. If you think that’s too difficult then perhaps it’s time you reconsidered your future here. No ifs no buts.
  
  But I didn’t, I just paused to think for a minute while stroking my sixteen greying beard hairs and asked, is there something troubling you?
  
  That’s when she covered her face and started crying. I hate seeing any tears so I said I’m so sorry Cathy if something has upset you we can adjourn our meeting. But she composed herself quickly and told me that she was recently diagnosed with HIV! I ended the meeting there and then but we carried on talking for two hours. I said you need to take responsibility for your life because if you carry on like this you’ll surely find an early grave and it may not be the HIV. She said she had not found the courage to talk to anyone before so I said I’d put her in touch with some professionals who will help and she has nothing to fear but fear itself. We talked about lots of stuff that she wanted to talk about like plans for raising a family. I laughed in mock horror when she said that she’s looking for a guy but the good ones in Nairobi are all gay. I said loudly nooo! In my head I thought yeess!
  
  Finally she left my office looking much brighter and more like her old self. Something tells me she’ll turn things around soon. I'm also praying that she does.

  
  

• Is this what you want for Christmas?

  Posted: November 28, 2009, 2:52 am by Tamaku

  Chris Brown - Take You Down [2008]
  
  
  Santa, please?

  
  

• Why I’ll never be a fan of Wan-tree-eel or Da Osi...

  Posted: November 23, 2009, 1:51 am by Tamaku

  Most nights George likes to relax in bed watching his cherished dvds. Note the ‘his'. NOTHING is ever allowed to come in between him and his favourite dramas. Last Saturday he was engrossed in yet more One Tree Hill when I came out of the bathroom from cleaning my teeth. I was happily singing ‘secret lovers, yeah that’s what we are, we shouldn’t be together...’ when he gave me that look which says sshhh Tamaku, can’t-you-see-I’m-watching-something-v.important-here. So I stopped singing and got into bed. It’s fair to say that my tail was in between my legs as I snuggled up to George’s warm side hoping that we would soon be engaged in some horizontal jogging. ‘Cause we love each other so...ooh...ooh.’
  
  Moments later when nothing of the sort happened (yet again) I started snoring sweetly (as I usually do whenever I start dreaming of me and Jeff Koinange sitting naked on The Bench doing something like an interview, haha!), that’s when George uncuddled me! Obviously the action on screen was at some life and death stage and my purring was distracting him so he pushed me away and I rolled to the other side of the bed. Arrrrrgh. Same thing happens when he’s watching The OC or that other one called Heroes, I’m not allowed to say a word in case he blinks and misses a scene. He says it’s never the same if he has to pause and rewind. By the time he’s watched four episodes I’m in no mood for anything.
  
  Now I feel like I’m losing my man to teen dramas. So unfair....

  
  

• Are Kenyan parents to blame for homophobia?

  Posted: November 22, 2009, 11:22 pm by Tamaku

  A comment in the Daily Nation following the news that gay rights will be left out of our proposed Constitution could explain the root of the deep-seated homophobia that exists in our society:
  
  1. Submitted by alfotula
  Posted November 20, 2009 09:49 AM
  I dont want to explain to my young children why two men or two women are kissing. I would not know what to tell them bcos idont understand gay relationship. Last year, I was very shocked by the way gay parade their affection in public places in Stockholm and I would not want to see that in Nairobi.
  
  
  My views on that? How about parents start by explaining to their children what TRUE LOVE really means? Surely there cannot be a worse example of woeful parenting than comments as those which display such helpless ignorance. Capable and loving parents are those who do not shy away from educating their offspring about the diversity that exists in the modern world. Any children abandoned to such an insular environment of intolerance can expect to be disadvantaged in an evolving future and the blame will lie squarely with their negligent carers.
  
  Brave parents who visit here, please take note - today’s homophobe is almost certain to be tomorrow’s pariah.

  
  

• Daft law discriminates against gay Kenyans

  Posted: November 19, 2009, 2:43 am by Tamaku

  Kenya’s new proposed Constitution will, as anticipated, not permit for same-sex unions. It’s baffling how this Draft that allows for adults to enter into unions based on 'free consent of the parties' would then purposely exclude other citizens based on their sexual orientation.
  
  What part of ‘adult’, ‘free’ and ‘consent’ do these legal experts have a difficulty understanding?

  
  

• 9 months later....

  Posted: November 15, 2009, 9:49 pm by Tamaku

  None of us is pregnant nor will we be expecting babies anytime soon. We’re still taking the usual precautions against that type of STD! Actually that’s how long it’s been since I started this blog. I must say it’s been one hell of a ride, very different from my usual writing that I do at another place. I’ve made great blogging friends and also had my eyes opened wide to the challenges that gay people face every day.
  
  Along the way I’ve had invitations to parties which I haven’t been able to attend (too old), received death threats which I didn’t take seriously (anon is as useful as a limp dick) and had shocking offers of a good time from all sorts of men (now I know why men are six times more likely to be struck by lightning than women). And even some women who wanted to turn me into a nice straight man. I turned all of them down nicely. Including the ones offering gifts (I’m not sure I’m worth much anyway, lol!).
  
  All in all I’m still enjoying blogging and learning stuff about myself and about people generally. I hope to keep this going for as long as I enjoy it. Some mean people call this blog ‘Diarrhea of a gay Kenyan’, ha ha haha.
  
  So, whatever your thoughts just remember that Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on us - Thomas L Holdcroft.
  
  I love you all. Peace. xxx xxx.

  
  

• A silence that speaks volumes

  Posted: November 15, 2009, 9:10 pm by Tamaku

  My friend Cynthia Vukets, a Canadian journalist recently did interviews with a section of Kenyans from the LGBT community following the news of the Civil Partnership of Charles Ngengi and Daniel Gichia in the UK. You can view the full article on her blog http://lowdownonline.com/notebook-nairobi.
  
  For me more questions are raised now that the dust seems to have settled. What did the media frenzy and the shameful attacks on the right to privacy achieve? Where was the support of our LGBT organisations in the aftermath when three people were physically attacked by homophobic thugs? What of the police when radio stations were calling for violence against gay citizens? Where have all the peace-loving Kenyans who fight for justice and fairness gone?

  
  

• Gay baby's first words

  Posted: November 12, 2009, 6:13 pm by Tamaku

  Prada da-da!!!

  
  

• 999 say Mungiki Man might have been killed by XYZ

  Posted: November 9, 2009, 1:33 am by Tamaku

  Some events are as predictable as me getting an erection from watching porn. I notice not many people have come out to publicly moan the murder of Mungiki spokesman Njuguna Gitau, and don’t expect me to either. That would be cynical considering I didn’t know the man nor do I knowingly associate with the Mungiki. Ever since he surfaced last year I often wondered for how long he would continue to freely front a proscribed group whose members have been accused of running extortion rackets whilst carrying out the most despicable of murders.
  
  And yet something about the circumstances of his demise unsettles me: Perhaps because his killing has all the hallmarks of an assassination and elements of tacit endorsement by dark forces. This explanation of infighting within the sect lacks imagination and seems to me like a cop out. You’d have to be spectacularly foolish to carry out a crime of this magnitude in broad daylight, on a busy street that normally has a high presence of armed uniformed and plainclothes police and then casually saunter away.
  
  ‘Inconceivable’ doesn’t even come close.

  
  

• Where is Oprah Winfrey in our hour of need?

  Posted: November 8, 2009, 10:00 pm by Tamaku

  It’s wonderful to see the number of people who are standing up to be counted as gay Kenyans fight for their rights. I applaud all of you, let me just mention some of these fearless torch-bearers who continue to question our society’s entrenched views: from cartoonist Gathara, Betty Caplan, Dr Paula Kahumbu, Prof Makau Mutua, Rasna Warah, Onyango-Obbo, Peter Mwaura, Cabral Pinto and many many others this illustrious list is growing by the day. Did I hear you say President Obama? Thank you all for choosing to stand firm on these important issues in the face of a hostile and hateful backlash.
  
  The hour is now and the urgency has never been greater. What about you dear reader, can we count on your influence and support? Will you join our quest to end this discrimination of gay people?
  
  Now, if only Oprah could lend her support....

  
  

• Could this be a solution to Nairobi’s overheated property market?

  Posted: November 7, 2009, 2:30 am by Tamaku

  I’ve been researching on suitable housing alternatives considering that very soon George and I plan to be living on a farm far away from the city. In recent years the price of property within the prime suburbs has escalated beyond all but the most resilient budgets. We initially considered shipping containers converted into living spaces but somewhere very deep in our minds lurks an image of being trapped inside one during an inferno and getting baked ‘oven’ style. Hardly our take on a spit roast.
  
  So we moved on to study tents as a temporary fix but I’m not sure just how practical these structures would hold up in El-Nino type conditions. Just as I was giving up, voila we spotted this video of a tiny and functional house. We both think it’s beautiful, with all mod-cons and relatively inexpensive, now we are on the hunt for a builder.
  
  Take a look at this plan. I think most loving couples would be cosy in one of these. On a 30 x 60 ft parcel there might even be room for a garden! Outside jacuzzi and barbecue? You bet!
  
  I confess that Jay Shafer the designer of these masterpieces is easy on the eye too.
  
  

  
  

• Heterophobia?

  Posted: November 5, 2009, 2:10 am by Tamaku

  I overheard a conversation recently between two gay men: ‘Some of these straight Kenyan men are secretly grateful to learn that there are many gays in their midst. The reduced compe(tition) means they now stand a better chance of ever getting laid before they die.’
  
  I was horrified to hear this wet and rather warm mind fart.
  
  Nauseous.

  
  

• Gays in love

  Posted: November 1, 2009, 8:41 pm by Tamaku

  Let me tell you about last week. George was off work with a chest infection. I found it difficult to stay focussed with my work , sick with worry. Monday and Tuesday evenings I slipped into my role as nurse, lovingly rubbbing some Vicks on his chest. Mind you just on the chest, lol. Thankfully the good doctor in Upperhill said it was only a mild infection nothing serious but to hear poor George you’d have thought he was at death’s door. So I played along dispensing large doses of Tamaku's 'medicine' - whisky, crushed ginger, honey from Chyulu hills (the honey from there is the best, I think Kenyan gay bees make it) and some lemon with hot water. Aaaaah. Even Imelda says she’s envious of how I spoil him but he’s all I’ve got so I don’t know how else to be.
  
  Wednesday evening we arranged to meet in town after I’d finished work and then we went for a stimulating aromatherapy massage followed by a session in the steambath. It was the two of us and another youngish shy guy who accidentally let his towel slip to give us a flash of his fine nuggets but we weren’t interested. By this time we were both more than horny so we left the club which is off Loita Street and George drove us home fast via Hurlingham for some Chinese takeaway. When we got home it was after 8, we gave the bags of food to Imelda and said go ahead we’ll eat later. Then we went straight upstairs to our room. Boy, I can’t get enough of my guy and the sex is amazing too. Later I came downstairs and made us some bacon sandwiches because we didn’t feel like eating the noodles. Imelda loved them though.
  
  On Thursday I’d promised George we’d go to the sports club for dinner after work but I completely forgot when meetings overrun. I arrived home after 9pm and there was no-one downstairs so I took my dinner from the oven and had it at the table in the kitchen alone. The house was quiet, I knew Imelda was in her annex probably doing some studying for the accountancy course she's doing. The only other light was in the stairwell from upstairs where I knew George was. When I got to the bedroom he was curled up in bed watching a dvd of Singing In the Rain which was almost coming to an end. He didn’t look too pleased and that’s when I remembered oh shit we were supposed to go out! I said I’m so sorry baby sweetie but he was having none of it, he just turned the other way and said turn the lights off when you come to bed.
  
  I was feeling so guilty as I showered but I shouldn’t have been worried because when I slipped inside the warm bed all was forgiven. Believe me, nothing beats naughty-boy sex. The days when I lived alone and regularly came down with wanker’s cramp are well and truly in the past.

  
  

• Principles all Kenyans should protect

  Posted: November 1, 2009, 2:26 am by Tamaku

  I just saw this article by Professor Makau Mutua which is absolutely brilliant. It’s really uplifting to read these arguments which speak to the hearts and minds of all decent humans. I can’t add to or deduct from it but I thought the least I could do is to just ask that you read and then embrace the selfless spirit in which it is delivered, regardless of your sexual orientation. Peace.
  
  George and I are enjoying some tusker lagers and each other's company, cheers to you all!

  
  

• I don see nothin wrong

  Posted: October 30, 2009, 12:51 am by Tamaku

  Something for the weekend. Mr Kelly helps others to do their thing and nearly makes my screen melt. Is he good or what? Have a great weekend.
  
  

  
  

• Gay is OK: hit back on Kenyan journalists....by Paula Kahumbu

  Posted: October 28, 2009, 3:42 am by Tamaku

  Please listen to this powerful piece of advocacy. I urge you to say NO to a particularly virulent strain of hate that is permeating through sections of our media. Click on the link below for Dr Paula Kahumbu's podcast.
  
  
  Chirbit | Share audio easily | paulakahumbu | Gay is OK: hit back on Kenyan journalists...
  
  Posted using ShareThis

  
  

• Making up for lost time

  Posted: October 27, 2009, 1:43 am by Tamaku

  It’s no exaggeration to say the past couple of weeks have been like a roller coaster rush for the long-ignored LGBT community in Kenya. I continue to receive a steady mixed-bag in my inbox. Well-wishers (thanks all) have written to say how excited they are about the acres of coverage written about homosexuals and on homosexuality. Positive or negative, they are just happy to have this issue thrust into the open. On the other side a majority who hold a different view continue to be less than charitable. But hey, that’s the beauty we call freedom of expression.
  
  What stands out is the extent and variety of this attention. We now have a bungling priest who finds himself neck-deep in murky waters after his outrageous take on recent events. Mainstream media can’t seem to get enough of men in drag, and the public mood appears to be shifting too. Perhaps they think that all gay men like to prance around in their grandmother's dresses and badly done make-up which appears to be harmless fun. Nothing wrong with that, to each their own. I’d like to think that by next week a bored and desensitized public will think nothing of a front page showing a picture of two men shagging snogging. Next!
  
  It’s amazing how much can happen in 2 short weeks. Hot on the heels the government is now seeking to find out how many gay Kenyans there are. About time too! You wait ages for a bus and then 3 come along at once. Indeed these are interesting times but we still have a long and bumpy road ahead of us.
  
  So for now my friends, champagne remains on ice.

  
  

• Spread of Fartism in Kenya

  Posted: October 25, 2009, 6:33 pm by Tamaku

  I laughed when I saw the piece on KTN about ‘Gayism in Kenya’ . Everyone knows that is the newest political movement in town followed by the gayists and lesbianists wishing to get to the promised land of Queerdom . You couldn’t make it up if you tried, the absurdity!
  
  So I’ve come up with a new label for the so-called brand of journalism now prevalent in Kenya. It’s called Fartism, which is similar but not to be confused with Fascism. Of course those whose craft it is are known as fartists. Fartists are guilty of constantly farting and transmitting putrid smells in the name of news reporting. I would not be surprised one of these days to learn one of these fartists have gone too far and soiled their pants.
  
  Otherwise I have no problem with the vast majority of straight Kenyans who religiously continue to hate homosexuals. Ok, only one or two issues that concern me as a gay man. Number one, please stop covering all your living room furniture with those ghastly crocheted fabrics. I hear they are a little-known cause of crotch rot. Number two, could the men please stop picking their noses. I counted three men on the streets last week with at least half an arm up inside their noses, mining for what I do not know.

  
  

• No Fear

  Posted: October 23, 2009, 1:19 am by Tamaku

  Enough already! I refuse to be defined only by the toxic vibes of this past week. Gay people continue to be persecuted by a cowardly and inept media which shamelessly professes to champion justice and fairness.
  
  So how about it; I say let’s move on and accentuate the positive. By all means cry but also remember to laugh and make love! There is no doubt that the fight against this discrimination will be a long one but we take comfort in the fact that many have gone before us and won. We can count on being joined in this struggle by those who cherish and understand individual freedom.
  
  Group-hug, sweeties? Walk tall and be proud, we are gay people! Loving and caring is what we do best. We all know that the currency traded by homophobes is hatred and fear fuelled by misinformation and ignorance.
  
  Have a lovely weekend everyone. Here is some MJ, in one of his finest performances. xxx
  
  
  
  Music video by Michael Jackson performing Dirty Diana Album: Bad (C) 1987 Epic Records/Sony BMG

  
  

• History of the Nation that liked to talk...

  Posted: October 22, 2009, 12:37 am by Tamaku

  Continued from here:
  
  Friends and foes, that was the season when few tongues stopped wagging. But please don’t mention land-grabbers because secretly many in that crowd - deep in their hearts - knew that given the chance they would grab even more. They talked themselves hoarse about the curse of homosexuality that had befallen faraway lands where proud sons and daughters of Kenya were prepared to be humiliated to be given permission to remain saying they had nowhere else to call home.
  
  Some in the crowd went on a fast over those evil faggots, praying and talking in tongues wishing they be exterminated. Others fasted because they still had nothing to eat but they were now told they also needed to fast. After some time this storm also came to pass and the crowd dispersed, talking proudly about how they had stamped out the only sin from their land which would now remain pure forever.
  
  When they returned jubilantly to their homes, it dawned on them that nothing much had changed while they’d been busy talking. Those who had been poor now risked starvation, those who had been rich were now wealthy beyond dreams, while those who had been sad were still denied justice.
  
  It was said that the reason some of these Kenyans liked talking all the time without stopping was they believed that their debates would be heard by a God who would then make them a better People. So they continued talking, perhaps because they were also afraid of what they would hear if they only stopped to listen….

  
  

• History lesson of the future: Kenya, the Nation that liked to talk

  Posted: October 21, 2009, 11:51 pm by Tamaku

  Once upon a time there was a violent storm in a teacup after a gay wedding took place in a foreign land. When some people of a country called Kenya awoke to the news they were very, very angry. They started shouting, moving from radio stations to newspapers and then to the internet which they liked to use to watch porn now and again. Overnight every disgusted holy man and his favourite barmaid mistress had an opinion and amid much chest-thumping and preaching, they said how much they loathed homosexuals because God had told them to.
  
  On the following Monday a building collapsed and crushed to death several of their fellow hardworking but poorer citizens who worked at a place called Kiambu. Back then building codes in Kenya were frequently flouted and although people had even been burnt to death in firetraps the majority pretended not to notice this fresh tragedy because money was everything, and anyway this was a country where such things were expected to happen.
  
  Meanwhile the crowd that gathered was ranting and foaming over the gay wedding, perhaps because they had not been invited to the reception. They barked together, ‘Unnatural, Un-African and Against Religion,’ baying for the newlyweds’ blood whilst eating the body of Christ. You could hear the screeching over valleys where heavy rains in the night drenched thousands of nameless women, innocent babies and children who had been forgotten in tattered tents for months due to fighting which had broken out because someone did not know how to count nuts. The infrastructure repairs that had been covered like foundation make-up over a wrinkled face and paid for again by overtaxed citizens started to crumble.
  
  But for now the industrious Kenyan people were busy thinking only about another place called Sodom. They sharpened their pencils with the machetes which they kept under their beds and wrote to newspapers: ‘We are a God-fearing and peace-loving Nation. It’s an abomination. We must all hang our heads in shame and could the friendly Mungiki behead those sexual deviants from London if they ever set foot here.’
  
  History lesson to be continued tomorrow…..

  
  

• You're having a giraffe!

  Posted: October 20, 2009, 1:52 am by Tamaku

  A response to all anonymous commentators who are bothered to spew their filth on this blog here are some home truths:
  
  - Gays and Lesbians are here to stay and we will continue to fight for our rights until you commit mass suicide. Fact is many of you are sexually repressed with no outlet, but my advice is to remember that straps don't only belong on bras
  
  - 'Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww' is the name of the cheese you've got growing under your crusty cocks, taking organic too far
  
  - I'd rather cut my dick off with a blunt and rusty blade standing in the muddy waters of Nairobi River to eat than live a life obsessed with the sexuality of others
  
  Aaaaaah, felt good. Did you have a nice Kenyatta Day?

  
  

• Help stop the Talibanisation of East Africa

  Posted: October 18, 2009, 10:26 pm by Tamaku

  These are testing times for sexual minorities in East Africa. I see that there is a bill before the Ugandan Parliament to further suppress the freedoms of gay and lesbian Ugandans and their supporters. It seems that our politicians, many whom are of questionable integrity, now want to police free thought and the private associations of their citizens. I am aghast but not surprised that politicians have set their sights on this issue instead of addressing rampant corruption and failure of their State organs.
  
  ‘Experts in Kenya’, currently grappling with a review of our Constitution, have also cowardly brushed aside the clamour for equal rights for gays. I am at a loss as to what purpose this review is meant to achieve if it is minded to exclude the rights of any section of the society. Are we not where we are today due to intolerance and bigotry? The continued criminalization of homosexuality is one that cannot be wished away by old and tired arguments about being un-African, unnatural and only informed by a religious right. Kenya must remain a secular state to be counted amongst the progressive nations of the future. Current arguments against homosexuality are lost when you consider that bar the history of colonization it’s likely that it would not even feature on our statute books.
  
  People, whatever the sexuality need to be vigilant. Ignore these developments which only serve to make criminals of law-abiding fellow citizens at the peril of your own personal liberties . These politicians have shown time and time again that they cannot be trusted and given the chance they will further erode basic human rights. Please join the petition and let your voices be heard.

  
  

• Kenyan gay couple wed

  Posted: October 18, 2009, 2:51 am by Tamaku

  I am overjoyed that a gay wedding of Kenyans in London has made the news of the national press. We wish the lucky couple all the best in this new chapter of their lives together. George and I are thinking of the same, to deepen our commitment to one another - even though these unions are not recognised here. It's early days yet but we are determined to have a ceremony to exchange rings and vows witnessed by close friends and family. I'll wear white of course, don't even think to mutter but Tamaku's been around the block a few times unless you are a nun yourself. lol!
  
  We hope you'll accept our invitation when the time comes. Tonight we are just both so happy to raise a glass or two to the newlyweds.

  
  

• Photo of Tamaku burning in hell!!

  Posted: October 17, 2009, 2:20 am by Tamaku

  
  A reader of this blog (not a fan) who hates gays wrote recently to me to say that George and I would burn in hell for being society's misfits! Lol! I thought, mmmmmm, how would I look with flames lapping my body?
  
  So here you are, a picture of me as I would appear in the Devil's crib! Hope I haven't given anyone nightmares. Don't worry, dear God is merciful...

  
  

• Which is the better cock-a-doodle-do?

  Posted: October 14, 2009, 2:47 am by Tamaku

  Hi folks,
  
  We've got a new poll! Today I was looking at some of those gay dating sites and one thing that sticks out is how the profiles list 'type of cock', cut or uncut! So I thought I'd ask the burning question: which is the preferred model? Mmmmm, please vote and let's see what's in demand ;)
  
  The poll is at the usual place (on the left).

  
  

• Outstanding

  Posted: October 10, 2009, 3:48 am by Tamaku

  Turn it up. This is for all my special friends. Some Kenny Thomas....you blow my mind....enjoy. Deliberately video missed out because pictures aren't everything ; )
  
  

  
  

• Low standards in journalism, is excessive alcohol consumption a factor?

  Posted: October 9, 2009, 1:16 am by Tamaku

  The attempted exposé by the Standard in their Pulse magazine today was anticipated in recent days and even previously discussed in some Kenyan LGBT circles. People were waiting for when, not if, the newspaper would publish those photos of men in drag. Call it a leak from within but this matter has not just jumped out from the blue. Of course the only way the women reporters would have tricked their way into that venue is that even as women they naturally look like men in drag. Ouch.
  
  What was unexpected and laughable is the magazine’s attempt to tackle the weighty issue of sexuality. Clearly the NMG class of columnists you are not. The outcome is a hodgepodge of a team-effort by two mediocre journalists. Two wrongs don’t make a right but to be fair I could sense their joint sexual tension especially when they mentioned the ‘gal-on-gal action’ and ‘lovely’ Olivia. Could they also be harbouring a secret longing to be a part of this 'abomination' taking place in Africa? I take exception with these so-called investigative journalists who churn rubbish padded out with quotes from ‘anonymous sources’ and suspect ‘names-have-been-changed’ disclaimers. The temptation to titillate and sensationalize for the benefit of jumpstarting dwindling circulation numbers has proved irresistible. It’s also poor form to include the views from a ‘psychologist’ who clearly does not understand what she is talking about.
  
  Anyway that newspaper should be your first port of call if you are interested in headlines such as ‘Man charged with making love to a hen’ (written by no less than FOUR reporters) or if you are curious on whether Tom Cholmondeley has paid someone to scratch his arse for him with a discarded toothbrush while in prison. Today’s article which was pointed out to me by a reader of this blog is poorly researched, woefully edited and badly written. I can only say thanks for the interesting photos, I hope the gorgeous fellas who have been outed remembered to shave their legs and armpits for the ‘shoot’. Loving that green wig by the way.
  
  I’m deliberately more acerbic than usual today because it’s expected for stupid journalists to have thick hides, that’s par for the course in most parts. Those that don’t run a risk of ending up as bitter, broken alcoholics.
  
  Oh and before I go – I’m really sorry for that night when your premises got trashed by those bad men. Really. Everyone agrees that was very naughty. Now dry your eyes and get over it.
  
  Finally can I just say that I’m really a nice man and not vindictive at all. Miaow.

  
  

• Life is a game of numbers

  Posted: October 7, 2009, 1:15 am by Tamaku

  On my way to work I came across an old man pulling a mkokoteni (handcart) full of timber planks up a hill. He was obviously overworked and I guess underpaid too. I paused sitting in the traffic to reflect on just how tough life is on many people especially in these hard times. When I got to the office I thought to myself, you know what Tamaku, things could be so much worse. So I started counting my blessings, because sometimes we focus on the bad and forget the good that’s in our lives. Here’s some of that good that I’m lucky to count:
  
  
  I’ve still got 32 teeth, all my own
  
  My cholesterol is 4, thanks Imelda for making sure I have my 5 a day
  
  I’m on the right side of 40, so still lots of time to do stuff
  
  1 brain that continues to work inside a slightly big head
  
  I average 8 hours sleep every night easily not worried that our house sits on a shadily acquired plot of road reserve
  
  I have 1 great colleague Sheila and 1 wonderful friend Mike from back in the day
  
  George and I still manage to do it well at least 3 times a week without Viagra - Hallelujah!
  
  Safaricom IPO (Ksh 5, now Ksh 3.65) was a lesson but it could have been Eveready shares
  
  Only 3 months till I quit formal employment (yes, I handed in my resignation letter last week) – I’ll soon be free to follow my dream!
  
  65 followers for this blog (including myself), thanks guys!
  
  Blood pressure around 120/80
  
  000’s squirreled away over the years, not in a Ponzi
  
  7 times a week I remember to say Our Father - Amen!
  
  Only 3 grey pubes around the scrotum, hardly a cause for concern
  
  Over 150 facebook friends and 1 no-nonsense mummy
  
  So, those are my digits. Tomorrow I might get trapped in a lift on the 12th floor with someone who is on the Waki List but I’m not going to worry about that for now. What do you count that’s good in your life? And not dick size please, I know many of you are so blessed in that area ;)

  
  

• Rape of Kenya

  Posted: October 4, 2009, 11:55 pm by Tamaku

  Lions have been prowling Nairobi malls and streets in the ongoing Pride of Kenya exhibition. I think it’s a cool way to create awareness and raise some money for conservation.
  
  This got me thinking about a piece of artwork that I’ve been planning on getting commissioned. It’s a large fibreglass model of an erect penis (the height of 2 adult elephants stacked, one on top of another and as thick as the trunk of the baobab trees along Kenya’s coast) which will actually be a water fountain. This will be spouting and pumping the water into another huge model of an arse (about the size of ex-President Moi’s Uhuru Park monument). Later we can add sounds of an entire village having a simultaneous orgasm. Like a giant’s roar aaaarrrgghh aaaraarrgh. I’ll ask some engineer friends on the viability of a device to simulate the jerking at the end. Also we can have the water dyed so that it looks like the real stuff – I hear you, maybe mix the water with wheat flour? Ok, we can even add salt, happy? I'm loving the detail, you guys are so creative….
  
  The exhibition will be mobile going round the country to symbolize how Kenyan MPs continue to rape the country’s resources by their huge pay packets and still refuse to pay taxes. After the campaign we can just park the monument outside parliament with a huge ribbon as a gift. The irony of it is they'll probably fight amongst themselves to see who gets to keep it, their greed knows no bounds.
  
  Maybe this is just a lame gimmick, so if you’ve got any insane ideas to shame these MPs please share.

  
  

• Amateur Dramatics (same shite different day)

  Posted: October 3, 2009, 2:04 am by Tamaku

  It’s been an eventful week especially if you are ex-KACC boss Aaron Ringera (Ring-error?) who finally threw in the towel. Who cares that he loves Shakespeare? All together now: Oo-oh-oh that don’t impress me much ! We were paying you 2.5 million shillings a month so you can sit on the loo during lunch time catching up on the classics? Did you not get to read King John, Oftentimes excusing of a fault Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse? Good riddance. And the other one who had quit earlier , the deputy Dr Smokin-far-from -hot -Wanjala . What shame, now exit stage left and don’t look back!
  
  Anyway I don’t even pretend to do meaningful political commentary, I just prefer to heckle because I am so tired of our Establishment. Frustrated and angry is also how I feel. The other in this supporting cast is the ever-smiling AG Amos Wako (Whacko?) What medication could he be on that prevents him from doing his job? Dr Conrad Murray your services may be needed here. But this patient seems to have no trouble sleeping at night : (
  
  A breath of fresh air is ICC prosecutor Luis Moreno-Ocampo, now there’s a true daddy! Nothing camp about him. No, no, no. OMG excuse me, fap fap fap, he looks quite hot too! I just hope he can come and take away the warlords many who are also thieves.
  
  How was your week?

  
  

• I love a bad man

  Posted: October 1, 2009, 2:30 am by Tamaku

  Spent the day mulling over ideas of what to do with myself when I leave my job which looks increasingly like something I'll do. Mummy says I'll be ok if I venture into greenhouse farming. People need to eat, right? At the moment just not doing much but indulging myself with some random thoughts, some dark.
  
  I love R Kelly, especially the early 90's stuff but I also came across this vid from the Shaft movie soundtrack. The gay man in me will always feel for the underdog. Hope you like. Let's keep talking. xxx xx xxx
  
  
  
  
  
  R. Kelly - Bad Man
  Free Music Videos at www.blastro.com

  
  

• Just a quickie

  Posted: September 30, 2009, 3:17 am by Tamaku

  Hi everyone. Just wanted to catch up with what’s going on. Looks like Kalonzo Musyoka takes the crown for Kenya’s sexiest male politician as voted by you dear readers, unless there’s some overnight rigging which we all know is unheard of in Kenya! Perhaps he’ll include it in his manifesto for the 2012 elections...
  
  I’m feeling down in the dumps and at a crossroads lately. Yesterday I went and treated myself to a 17-inch laptop thinking that would cheer me up but when I got home I didn’t even take it out of the box. I feel quite depressed.
  
  So, I’m contemplating quitting my job - that’s the crossroads I’m at. I'm thinking of trying my hand at something that I enjoy but I don’t know what it is at the moment. I can’t blog full-time because I don’t think I can sustain myself (and us) on just roasted maize and tea! And people who responded to my CV post only want me to send them photos of me on a hammock in just my monkey-skin thong. Don’t they know how itchy those things are around the crotch?
  
  Anyway, so perhaps I’ll start making jams and pickles to sell (Jamaku, anyone?). Or perhaps I could start a communal-wank where people come together (hear me out) and have a wank in a group while watching the same porn on a giant screen hence saving on electricity in their homes. Like a wanking chama. No? I really need some ideas, so please you clever people out there help me out.
  
  Anyway there’s the end of my quickie which actually turned out to be a marathon session. Hehehe. Laters my dears.

  
  

• Stroke it for me

  Posted: September 26, 2009, 3:18 am by Tamaku

  One of my all time favs. God, why Aaliyah? Gone too soon..
  
  
  
  Especially for my friend Paprika who is nursing a cold right now. Better soon hun!

  
  

• How to conceal a weapon

  Posted: September 23, 2009, 4:55 pm by Tamaku

  Back in school I used to daydream a lot, especially during lazy Thursday afternoons staring outside at the grassed football pitches and beyond when we had double Geography. In my mid-teens more than 98% of these retreats into my own world were sexual in content the other 2% being about food. Not much has changed since, just the food replaced with booze. And I was not alone. In boys’ boarding schools MUCH time is spent thinking about sex, sex and more sex. Just ask those who do the laundry. Most boys myself included spent the afternoons drifting in and out of a state of blissful sexual intoxication, if you’d looked under the desks you’d be poked in the eye by the numerous painful boners threatening to topple the desks over. Back then that was the main reason boys had that glazed over look in class. These days teachers need to look out for glue sniffing and mobile facebook. The good ol’ days, aaahh.
  
  I was nearly caught out one such afternoon during Miss Ruth’s class. She was a youngish beauty with a body that made it naked into many of my classmates’ bedtime fantasies. Many boys turned out A-grades in Geography hoping madly that they would be rewarded with a cup and tinker of her double C bells. On this afternoon I was dreaming about Dan our goalie who I’d recently discovered also liked ball play of a very different kind. Anyway Miss Ruth interrupted me out of my teenporn dreamland by the window: ‘Tamaku, would you come to the front of the class and present on the effects of rural-urban migration on African cities’.
  
  I wouldn’t because I was wooden down there. I’d done my homework on demographics and could talk for days but if I stood up now Miss and the rest of the class would see the tent in my trousers. So I hurt Miss Ruth’s feelings because I was one of her favourites and shocked everyone else when I said, ‘No Miss, you can ask someone else I’m feeling rather tired today’ – which was the gross misconduct of high school but she let me off on account of my previous unblemished record. I also suspect that she realised that beneath an insolent male teenager might lie a throbbing head.
  
  From that day on I learnt how to park my tool so that an erection did not turn into a wardrobe malfunction (I wear to the left, facing north-east when in y-fronts). Also I find a blazer buttoned up takes care of these embarrassing indiscretions. That’s the only reason why young hot black studs love their baggy jeans and why racist policemen who are closet gays love to stop them for searches...

  
  

• Afrigator blog rankings taken with a pinch of salt

  Posted: September 21, 2009, 6:03 pm by Tamaku

  I noticed this morning that I'd been propelled to the cabinet of
  Kenyan blogs at number 7 according to Afrgator.com(and 156 in Africa)!
  Surely that would make me the equivalent of Minister for Water and
  Irrigation in the government so thank you dear readers and followers
  for the time you take to drop by, we do have a good laugh.

  However call me a thankless bastard or one suffering from a dose of
  low self esteem (or both) but I'm increasingly looking at these
  rankings with a raised eyebrow. Is it just me? They seem to be all
  over the place for Kenyan blogs. I even noticed recently that some
  blogs have opted to move away and I'm only guessing that these wild
  fluctuations have not helped. By the way for what it's worth can
  Kenyan IT bods not provide an alternative? I feel like Afrigator ina
  wenyewe (Afrigator has it's owners)

  There. I've said what some are thinking. Gators have sharp teeth and
  they do bite so I'm going to find somewhere to hide my sweet ass even
  though I hope we can still be friends.

  PS: It's hilarious that as I was typing this out my ranking went back
  to my regular 19th in Kenya and 420th in Africa. Seems I was only
  Flavour of the Morning :)

  
  

• Please see my CV and help me get a job

  Posted: September 18, 2009, 12:20 am by Tamaku

  Hi prospective employers, please find attached my CV. You can send me your offers by email. I'm available for interviews most nights. Thanks xxx xx
  
  
  Tamaku CV
  
  Age: Legal
  
  Sexual orientation: Very gay
  
  Languages: English and pure Sheng
  
  Key Skills
  
  Dicking, bend and snap after some drinks, shakin it, ass poppin and dropping it like its hot with my boyfriend George. We come together (the best way).
  
  Interests
  
  I enjoy exposing myself in gents’ toilets in Nairobi bars to show off my package and getting free trebles on a Friday night in Westlands. Occasionally we have a grope with my colleague Sheila just to check the equipment is still in working condition for women who might need some attention. I also enjoy the attention of all my blog friends but I want to touch some of them inappropriately one day.
  
  Career to Date
  
  From: June 2009
  To: Current
  Company: Camp David Strippers of Nairobi, some blogging.
  Job Title: Certified Wench of Note
  Key skills and activities: Versatile, hot, hot, hot. Being able to move and throw some pant poppin shapes. Brilliant customer servicing and keep them coming back.
  
  From: March 2006
  To: June 2009
  Company: Tamaku Inc
  Job Title: Sexual Healer
  Key skills and activities: Training gay men how to blow and stroke hot bots while studying porn in local cyber cafes without being spotted. Advanced technique in hand jobs while driving along Uhuru Highway in rush hour traffic. Ability to perform complex origami shapes using just my toned butt cheeks. Also avoiding getting diseases which has been successful so far.
  
  From: January 2004
  To: February 2006
  Company: Nuts & Screws in Nairobi
  Job Title: Sampler
  Key skills and activities: Showing Nairobi gay boys how to look tight and what they should be looking for in other men.

• Mama was right

  Posted: September 18, 2009, 2:45 am by Tamaku

  
  
  Don't rush to get old. Have a great weekend my friends. Love ya.. xxx xxx

• Nairobi pornographers, prostitutes, perverts, pimps plus pushers pursue phoney promises of prosperity

  Posted: September 16, 2009, 1:13 am by Tamaku

  A mole tells me of this cameraman who was recently contracted to film his first adult movie at a boarding and lodging room now converted into a studio above some shops along a seedier part of Nairobi’s Luthuli Avenue. The guy got carried away when the action got too steamy, he just dropped his camera and proceeded to relieve his tension just as the cast were on the verge of the grand finale. The video camera lens was generously spluttered with his dna (jism and spunk are so 1970’s darlings). Some ‘swimmers’ even reached our hapless cameraman’s hairy chest and not only was he ejected from the set but he also had some explaining to do later that evening when his wife discovered dried and crusty remnants. Anyway she happily swallowed the old porridge-on-the-chest line.
  
  Irony of it all, I’m told, is the cameraman’s solo performance (faster than Bolt doing 100 meters on Red Bull) was better that the actors’ jaded fakery but no one recorded it. I managed to acquire the off-camera sounds of a very authentic ‘aaaargh aaaargh aargh aargh’ which George now has as his phone ringtone.
  
  Coming when you are called…..

• Confessions of a gay Kenyan student

  Posted: September 12, 2009, 12:55 am by Tamaku

  “There was this older student who singled me out for bullying when I joined a leading secondary school some years back. John, a prefect of my private boarding house was muscular and quite handsome in a rugged way but he started picking on me the day I started. The abuse was mainly verbal insults and sometimes physical (slaps and kicks), generally making my life a misery.
  
  One early morning I caught John peeping at me from the next cubicle as I took a shower. He had that hungry look in his eyes, the sound of slapping as he soaped himself vigorously up and down. I see that look even today in some older men who lurk in the bars here in Nairobi sipping warm lager from the bottle as they ogle at younger men from dimly lit alcoves. That’s when I decided to teach John a lesson.
  
  Days later on a Saturday evening John came to me in the common room as we watched TV after supper and whispered hoarsely, ‘Hey you, I’ve got a half bottle of vodo, come see me in my room after lights out.’ I knew what he wanted and he was taking a big risk – and not just with the alcohol. He looked so pathetic and that’s when it dawned on me that I had the upper hand so I whispered back to him: ‘I’ll be busy scrubbing my feet as my toes are itching so bad, I think I’ve got athlete’s foot. After that I’ll have my mug of bournvita with milk and then go to bed.’ I’m so busy galfriend. All these years later I still delight to recall his face crushed in disappointment.
  
  The bullying stopped then and John spent the rest of the term chasing after me like a puppy. I kept him keen with my choirboy smile, a dose of slow sleepy eyes and the occasional flash of my toned teen cakes in the showers pretending to drop and then slowly pick up my soap when it was just the two of us. It got ridiculous when he started writing me love notes and leaving them under my pillow in the dormitory (a conundrum for 'dirty room'). Then one evening before we closed for the holidays when he caught me flicking through a much-thumbed copy of Tits & Clits that the cook had lent to my friend Martin, I let John blow me. I’ve never been a heartless monster, I do my bit for charity and I didn’t want him to do something reckless that would see him get expelled that’s why I gave in.
  
  So on that moonless March evening John, Senior Prefect and Rugby Captain went on his knees on the cobbled walkway behind the physics lab and finished me off. All I remember is watching him slavering like a rabid dog on a hot day in Nanyuki. So desperately heartbreaking.”
  
  Normal 0 MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";}

  
  
  As told to Tamaku, names changed to protect the guilty now married with kids.
  
  

• Dreams of new Kenyan trains by man-eaters

  Posted: September 10, 2009, 2:54 am by Tamaku

  The government has promised that we will have modern trains traversing
  the country in a few short years! I can't wait for the Nairobi to
  Mombasa carriages...wow, the fun and comfort we will all have such as
  what George and I enjoyed on this train from northern England some
  weeks ago.

  Imagine listening to piped Malaika as you shuttle through Tsavo at
  160kph! Magical...simply magical. And the widescreen TVs showing movies as well as the restaurants and bars showcasing Kenyan delights that will make your journey that little bit extra special! With first-class cabins offering unrivalled service...
  
  Pack your bags....

• Paprika allows me to misuse her assets...

  Posted: September 8, 2009, 6:26 pm by Tamaku

  My friend Paprika lets me put her boobs to some use while we enjoy
  some drinks and a smoke. You can say it gives a new meaning to fag
  hag....
  
  I enjoyed the ciggie afterwards - thanks for asking ;)

• Racks & Balconies

  Posted: September 6, 2009, 2:00 am by Tamaku

  Here's a spicy treat for all you boys (and gals). George and I met up
  with an old friend of mine here in London this afternoon and I
  convinced her after some drinks to flash her ample cleveage.

  Let me know what you think - there are more pictures, if you ask I'll
  post them here...

  I call her Paprika.

• London's burning

  Posted: September 5, 2009, 7:06 pm by Tamaku

  Just witnessed the arrival of fire engines attending to a fierce blaze
  at a business premises on Dudden Hill Lane NW10. Brings back
  memories of that horrific Nakumatt inferno.

• A time of sadness

  Posted: August 29, 2009, 12:45 am by Tamaku

  Tragedy befell my family when my young nephew and much-loved godson died suddenly last week. We have travelled to London to be with the family during this grief. Please pray for us as we try to come to terms with our loss. Love you all.

• The men are all the same...

  Posted: August 21, 2009, 4:08 am by Tamaku

  I've been very naughty this past week so I thought let's just end it how we started. This video pushes all my buttons, I think I was a podium dancer in a past life. Tina Turner is brilliant...
  
  
  
  Lovely weekend all. xxx x

• Tamaku Personals

  Posted: August 20, 2009, 1:08 pm by Tamaku

  'Gay prof Nairobi White male WLTM similar. 6ft tall, well-built, 32 -
  35, likes gym, staying in or going out. Must be financially
  independent. No twinks, prefer mature muscular, esp bbc and top for
  LTR.'

  A friend asked me to help him meet someone. If you meet the bill or
  know someone who does then drop me an email at the usual place. Thanks.

• Smelling lovely down there - The Washcloth

  Posted: August 19, 2009, 12:35 pm by Tamaku

  I've received an avalanche of emails from women ((ok, two) who choose
  to do their men's laundry. It's a plea for help so I promised to post
  it here so that the concerned menfolk (main culprits) can take
  appropriate action:

  'Dear Tamaku, I keep finding brownish streaks on my boyfriend/
  husband's underwear, sometimes on our bed sheets too! I don't know how
  to broach the subject because I assumed that grown men should have
  learnt all about personal hygiene. Please see how you can assist.' -
  Jane from Nairobi.

  Ok first of all as everyone knows I have a wonderful policeman
  boyfriend and he hasn't got that problem but I can understand how
  revolting it is to view skid marks leave alone wash them off. Yuck!
  Yikes!

  So guys please take some extra care and scrub down there well until
  it's fresh enough to lick (ehehehe) - simply soap and give it a
  thorough rinse, repeat until washcloth is free of debris. You might
  even discover you enjoy it (GAY! GAY!). And while you're at it also
  wash your own underwear. Or else get a washing machine.

  Jane and all women and men in similar dilemmas, you owe me bigtime! I
  may call in a favour or two soon.

  My good deed for the week is done.

• Tamaku photo 1

  Posted: August 18, 2009, 1:05 pm by Tamaku

  Photo of me and a female friend from our recent holiday on a coldish
  beach in the north east of England. We had just written on the sand
  'Tamaku was here' when it was nearly washed away.

• 3 advantages of taking it up the arse

  Posted: August 17, 2009, 1:28 pm by Tamaku

  (1) People won't hear your farts....

  (2) Less constipation...

  (3) You don't have to kiss while having sex if you don't want to....

  Have a lovely Monday and week ahead guys.

• Who is the sexiest politician in Kenya? Vote here...

  Posted: August 15, 2009, 1:17 am by Tamaku

  I know the way you guys like polls so I’ve got a new one for you. The question I’m asking is which Kenyan male politician you’ve got the hots for: Choose between (in alphabetical order of second names) Uhuru, Kalonzo, Raila and Ruto.
  
  The poll is on the left, it’ll run for a while (scientific research, lol!) and pictures of the hunks are below to help you decide.
  
  Uhuru Kenyatta
  
  
  Kalonzo Musyoka
  
  
  Raila Odinga
  
  
  William Ruto
  
  Happy voting.

• My hangover lesson

  Posted: August 15, 2009, 7:47 pm by Tamaku

  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix
  Whiskey and red wine is not a clever mix

• Home Erectus spotted in Nairobi bar

  Posted: August 14, 2009, 3:06 am by Tamaku

  I was having a quiet drink last night after work while waiting for my George when a female beauty (random score of 50 points) invited herself to my table where I was seated alone. She said she was waiting for someone too so we shared a table and she even bought me a drink. After about an hour or so I was shocked to be invited to her pad for the promise of a good time, it would cost me only 20,000 shillings (expensive for Nairobi, I’m told so deduct 30 points for over-charging) for the whole night but I would 'love every single hot inch of it, daddy'. Meanwhile she didn’t leave any tantalizing descriptions out. If you were eavesdropping you’d have been driven crazy when she told me about her ‘vet’ skills in mouth to mouth for male chickens (50 points). Dear reader I confess I was turned on by this stranger but luckily I remembered that all these are just temptations of the flesh sent by the devil (ashindwe kabisa!) and my mind should be stronger that’s when I started breathing normally and regained my composure.
  
  To be fair to her she was also extremely well-dressed (15 points), with an air of worldly sophistication (35 points) and would have easily passed for a successful businesswoman. And very well-spoken (25 points) I might add, I was mesmerised by her confidence and charm (30 points). Of course I declined the offer of sex from this young lady because I don’t remember how to screw with women – what goes where & how! You can forget you know, it’s not like riding a bicycle. Although on some pornos I’ve looked at it looks like that’s the idea some men have of sex.
  
  Anyway she’d gone by the time George showed up but I told him about my encounter on the way home. So we started wondering: is there any difference between a high class prostitute and a low class one?

• Mind games

  Posted: August 12, 2009, 5:50 pm by Tamaku

  Jeez, I can only think of boys, sex and beer - and it's only lunchtime
  on a Wednesday!

  What's on your mind?

• I'm... commiiinngg......

  Posted: August 11, 2009, 1:41 am by Tamaku

  Surely the best from the number one diva. Try listening to it while moving your head and shoulders cobra-style and the finger motion for added attitude, 'do you have a problem?' Is there a problemo? OMG, I'm gay beyond redemption, hehehehee!!
  
  
  
  Once in a while they let me come out....(Poor italics get abused. Please, not to be confused with Italians - not many are poor)

• It's a tough job but Tamaku’s got to do it

  Posted: August 10, 2009, 11:52 pm by Tamaku

  George and I had a wonderful time. I had meetings scheduled in London for 3 days while staying at my brother Timmy’s in Esher. Initially George was to accompany me while visiting his sister who also lives in London with her family. However 2 days before we left Nairobi we had a telephone call to say that their youngest daughter was ill with swine flu which meant it wasn’t right to visit. Instead I asked my brother if I could bring a friend and he said yes. It worked out fine, my brother and his wife have two grownup children who’ve flown the nest so we had a room each to ourselves which was really hard on us both sleeping apart for the sake of appearances. On our last night there I couldn’t bear it so I sneaked myself into George’s room for a cuddle and squeeze but I fell asleep until the morning. When I got up to tiptoe on creaking floorboards across the hall back to my room I bumped into my brother’s wife Claudia coming out of the bathroom. The shock on both our faces said it all; I’m sure now Timmy knows the whole deal.
  
  London feels like a home away from home for me, sadly we didn’t have enough time to revisit many old haunts. It was George’s first visit out of Kenya and it thrilled me to rediscover the delightful sights through his eyes even though the weather was being undecided. We even got to see where the real Queen lives and enjoyed a walk along Park Lane on a glorious sunny day. We went a bit wild shopping at Westfield mainly buying some le creuset cookware and Sabatier knives for our kitchen. Afterwards we went to meet George’s sister Alma for a sumptuous Italian lunch and 3 bottles of delicious white wine (yes, I started drinking again). We hit it off with Alma with no awkward questions and George was over the moon because he’d been agonising what she was going to think. Turns out Alma’s a delightful funny young woman and I believe a rewarding friendship lies ahead for us both. On our way back to Esher with shopping bags on the cab floor, we were kissing and holding hands like honeymooners and laughing and I enjoyed a nibble of Gee’s ear. We didn’t care, I got to know what our politicians' impunity feels like and the cabbie didn’t even bat an eyelid at us seated in the back. When the cabbie glanced on the view mirror he asked cheekily whether we were royalty from Africa and I said yes darling we are queens from the Kenyan Washoga tribe! I loved the freedom and safety of our anonymity. Thank you wonderful people of GB.
  
  Our final week we spent with Kenyan friends Ron and Steve. They are a gay couple who are ‘married’ and living in North-East England in a beautiful flat with views over Newcastle’s quayside. I’ve known Ron since high school and they are both totally devoted to one another, George said to me watching them together is how he wishes gay men would be in a relationship. And he asked so many questions about gay married life I half-expected him to propose to me. Oh well, I can dream can’t I.
  
  We spent some time looking around the sights (pics to follow) especially the breathtaking new steel and glass library in the city centre. Someone please start a petition: No more tacky bars in Nairobi’s CBD; we need a library badly. Anyway we also went to the gay bars dotted around the quadrangle of the Life Centre and even managed a session at a gay sauna (another post coming soon). Ron and Steve were marvellous hosts they even held a barbeque in the communal gardens where we met other gay and lesbian Kenyans and their English friends, it was fantastic. We had wonderful roast dinners and curries but it’ll be a long time before I forget our last teatime on their balcony overlooking the river as I ate through a box each of divine strawberry and clotted cream and all butter sultana cookies. We’ll be hosting many parties ourselves when some of these new friends visit Kenya this Christmas.
  
  From Newcastle we took the train down back to London on the Thursday. I’d begged an old friend to chauffeur us to a special place where we planned to spend the last night of our holiday just me and George. We blew a chunk of my expenses budget at the Crazy Bear Beaconsfield but it was worth every penny, you should must try it if you get the chance. After dinner we just lay in bed talking, but I knew we both didn’t want the night to end.
  
  ___________________________________________________________
  
  Tamaku and George flew The Pride of Africa from and back to Nairobi. The service throughout was outstanding. (Now KQ PR department how about some complimentary tickets?)

• I missed you.....

  Posted: August 9, 2009, 11:35 pm by Tamaku

  Hello fabulous people! I missed you bad, bad, bad. George and I arrived back in Nairobi from our UK break yesterday. We had a great time and I’ll post tomorrow about our holiday. I really missed you all, did you miss me? Well, we are both so pleased to be back home to friends and family. On the plane back we were listening to this oldish Phil Collins track on George’s ipod while sipping brandy. It sounded amazing as we cruised at 33000ft so I remembered to share it with you. My other fav while flying is Coldplay's 'Speed of Sound'. BTW have I told you all that I love you? It feels fantastic to be back here. Thanks so much for all your lovely wishes that you sent...
  
  

• "I give you this ring as a symbol of my love....

  Posted: August 5, 2009, 11:54 pm by Tamaku

  ...and a lasting reminder of our vows."
  
  
  
  Best wishes to the newlyweds.

Blah blah blah

Fish cakes

Alas a fish cake.

Yet more fish cakes

Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.

The end of the fish cakes