Items by willpress
Open Mic
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Things I Admire About People - Bystander Apathy
Posted: October 5, 2008, 9:29 pm by willpress
People die everyday.But how some people die raise so many questions as to the humanity of human beings. Standard example: Blonde X is set upon by a maniac as she returns from work at 3am. Thirty of her neighbours in the same hood come to their windows when she cries out in terror but none come to her assistance even when her stalker takes over half an hour to murder her. No one even calls the police!
Anyway such human indifference is not new. Just count how many Good Samaritans were mentioned in the Bible, thats enough to tell you something. But is it really indifference? Maybe the problem is much more complex. Aint it funny that strangers are more likely to offer assistance than the people we know? You'd rather give a strange beggar your change than give it to your "good for nothing next of khn who had an outstretched hand right from the time he came from the womb."
The greater the emergency, the higher the reluctance to help. The prescence of others who are passive also increases reluctance. You are seated in a café somewhere and the opposite building bursts in flames and nobody bats an eyelid let alone flinches. Who the hell are you to run around in panic. When in Rome, then youre Roman. Maybe its common practice to burn down bridges and house in that part of town!
Failure to give aid may also come from confusion. Say, someone fals in an epileptic fit or clutches the stomach like they got a minature hell in there. . .now, if you hadnt given shit about First Aid classes, its probably the doctor, not you, who will feel apathetic. . .you instead will be so nervous that you may end up worse than the helpee.
Many also seem to doubt if the emergency is real. Costs of helping (especially if theres no real emergency) and the guilt of not helping are the two scales that make you decide whether to stretch out that straw to the drowning man. Unfortunately for the victim/helpee, the guilt of not helping may not be enough to make most people risk making fools of themselves. . .
Learning Kenyanese
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Zain Modem Getting On My Nerves
Posted: August 24, 2008, 2:53 pm by willpress
its all good that Celtel has been swallowed by the parent company, Zain,and now we gots all sorts of assurances that the world will be much better than the 2.4 million subscribers that Celtel could garner in the same period that Safaricom scooped 11 million Kenyans into their net...
So yeah, after lots of persuations and arguments about how a less crowded house gives you the upper hand, i finally got myself hooked up with a Zain 3G modem... Yeah the deal sounded very very good. 3k per month for unlimited internet access with potential speeds of 96kbps..Damn wasnt a nigga excited..
Now am looking at this Huawei modem with a look of disdainful disgust...Most of my internet time is spent on downloads and unfortunately Zain wasnt thinking of people like me... This thing cannot achieve more than 10kbps even with a download accelerator.Where the hell is all that bandwidth going??? I thought we was a small house... Can somebody make me understand? Can dial up connections pass the 20kbps point, if so why are they being wachoyo with bandwidth???? Any body from Zain?
Open Mic
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Suicide for Dummies
Posted: August 18, 2008, 3:21 pm by willpress
OK, lets face it. . . August is not the best of months around these parts of Africa. Some inflation here, some terrorism there, some corruption everywhere and that sort of bull compounded by the usual headache that we subscribe for in those things we like to call relationshits, oops erm. . .relationships. Thus, at one point many of us will be at the brink of saying goodbye to Mother Earth and go chill with the 72 virgins in Purgatory. Yup, suicide will be top on the menu. . .We alll watched with shock as a disillusioned youth was found hanging by the neck after the closure of the Dandora Slaughterhouses
I was telling a buddy that life is like a bladder full of piss. . .you gots to be very patient and enduring not to take it. Who chooses to live anyway? Some random peeps who we later got attached to and call Mom and Dad decided to make us. More random people also insist to be attached to us and give us hell - Society. For one reason or the next, the option of taking one's life is fast becoming a way of erm, life.
I was privileged to be in such a state of mind some days ago and went for the advice of some chronically depressed pals with the announcement "I am ready to join the RIP section!". . . Heres a tid bit of part of the info i got:
OK we have gone through the philosophical and other arguments and have reached the final lap where its either I take my life or I commit suicide. What do you do? How do we go through it without botching it up?
STEP 1 : Calm Down
A good % of suicides get f.cked up because of erratic behaviour. You dont just jump off the ground floor window of a building! That earns u a few bruises and a crowd of people thinking you stooopid. You dont blast your chest with a Smith and Wesson or a .9 calibre and expect to die that easy. Calm down. The business of zapping yourself requires a clear head. Take a gin tot but DONT get tipsy. . .
STEP 2: Plan
Now that we calm and collected, lets plot the perfect suicide. The type that leaves 0.1-2% chance of survival. Most of these suicide methods are NON-DEPENDANT on a 3rd party. Dont jump in front of a speeding bus. Thats leaving your wretched life in the hands of the driver who may risk his own happy life to save your punk ass. Consider these factors:
Pain: There be those of us who gots guts for pain and those who dont. If you moan at the slightest pinprick then dont go slitting your wrists. . .you could attract unecesary attention to this important exercise. Then there be some who dig the pain or its symbolical to them. The method you chose depends on how much pain you can take.
Locally Available Material: What do you have at your disposal at moments notice? A plane and a mountain face? If you can get to Isich you could shop for a gun. Do you have access to the top floor of KICC? A few sharp blades and a warm bath? An airtight garage? A year's supply of arsenic? Look around. . .
Last Impression : Do you want to make a statement or just die quietly? Do you want people to remember a certain character in you? The more randy, melodramatic types go for the bloody suicides. Gun in mouth. Jump off a plame without a parachute. For the introverts, some poison and a note will do. . .
With these and many other factors in mind, we are now ready to commit a very effective suicide. . .
Very good so far. . .
STEP 3: Vet Possible Effective Methods
We have all heard the famous line "6 milion ways to die. Choose 1." Yup there are literally millions of ways of transforming yourself into a corpse varying in style, speed of death, magnificence of the suicide and of course the desired last impression.
Do your quick research keeping in mind what we covered in STEP 2 and get a quick list of effective methods. There is a lot of resource material doing the rounds. Well, I did a quick survey and voila! Heres my list of the lethalestest methods just to give you a headstart:
Ex-Sanguination: This is more freruent with the "white boy" types, no offence to all caucasians except Eminem. Those who listen to death metal. Those with a weak heart and one helova strong body if you catch the drift. Get a sharp blade and slip your wrists at either the cartoid, ulnar or femoral artery and sit in a tubfull of warm water. The extreme blood loss and lack of oxygen supply to the brain should put you out in a few
Jumps: For the romantics or people addicted to drama. . .a jump could do you some good. At least a fall from a ten storey building should make you gain enough momentum to make pudding of your intestines the second you touch the ground. Play some serene classical/opera music on ur iPod at full blast so that the frantic crowd below seem like they be saying "JUMP! JUMP!"
Carbon Monoxide Inhalation: This is the most painless of all. For higher end peeps, lock yourself in an airtight garage. Settle down into the front seat of your Ferari and leave the engine running. Soon you gon be riding a very different highway than Mombasa Rd. For lower end niggas, stay warm and fuzzy in your room with the jiko on and the windows shut. You will surely get 5minutes of post-humous fame on NTV Tonight. Too bad you wont be able to hear how Peninah Karibe pronounces your name.
Gunshot: People have this assumption that a gun can kill quite easily. But look at all those people who live with a bullet or two in they skulls. Lets get a high calibre piece like a .40 or a semi-auto. A head shot has 99% lethal effect. Gun in mouth also creates a sort of dramatic picture and gets your brain or spinal cord. Its not very smart to shoot at your heart (am talking to people who watch soap operas).
Helium: For those who've watched Sex and the Studio, you know what happened to Humpty-Hump when he freestyled while inhaling Helium gas. Very disturbing. Simple procedure. Hook up a supply mask to yourself and a Helium tank. Breathe normally. You'll doze off and wake up in Hotel Paradiso.
Sever your Spine: The Japanese samurais did this so well. . . Breaking your own neck. Its a professional job so dont try unles yo have experimented on countles chicken and human specimen, or you could live the rest of your life facing backwards!
Sky-diving without a Parachute: Those last minutes of meeting the ground at sonic speeds are CRAZY. If you dont get a heart attack then the impact should finish you.
Heroin: Take that sh.t. May take a while but it will kill you anyway. Ask Jimi Hendrix.
Take the World with You!: My last and most innovating suggestion. Am in the process of getting a copyright and selling this but let me just share it with my brethren. Sam Abelson got the first taste of this though.
Hire a team of Al-Quaeda terrorists to take hostage a hotel suit where the US president's daughter is having a three some with the North-Korean president's son-in law and the Indian Prime Minister's third cousin while one of Mugabe's aides is filming and streaming the live feed to YouTube and major news stations. Then blow them all up. That should start World War 3 and a nuclear winter which will wipe out all humanity as we know it. The fumes from the nukes should cover the atmospere preventing any warmth from the sun. .converting the entire earth into Antarctica. If the nukes dont get you, the cold will. That should influence the tide of oceans and other factors that will interfere with the centre of gravity of the Earth, which will thus veer off its axis and hopefully bang into some huge meteorites or planet. Mission finito!
* * *
But anyway, anyway anyway. . .Kids, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Besides, you can as well wait till youre dead. . . People in Hell commit suicide everyday, its just that they don't die. Its worth the wait. . . The gods envy us coz we live only once. . . Say NO to loosing your suicide virginity!
Learning Kenyanese
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A King Has Been Born. . .
Posted: August 6, 2008, 3:51 pm by willpress
Excerpts from a sermon held at a certain Anglican Church, a member of the Archdiosece of Kisumu on 25th December, 2007, at 9.30am:
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ
PROVOSTEST - presiding clergy
BISHOP RITEST - Sermon
FILOMEMA - Choirmistress
YO-YO - Youth Fellowship leader
DR. DENY-O -prominent church "investor"
CONGREGATION
PROVOSTESTWe are gathered here this Sunday emm, I mean this wonderful Xmas morning. This is a very expectant day for all of us (casts a sly glance at FILOMENA, at least 3 months heavy).
Let me remind us that amongst us are those who dont share the Xmas spirit and wish to prey into our pockets for our small cash and cheap phones.
I see its a full house today. Turn to your neighbour and ask where he/she was last Sunday. Oh yes, any visitor amongst us? And by visitors I also mean those members who have been away since last Chrirtmas.
(uncomfortable squirming in the pews)Am tempted to call the clergy to say hallo to their secret wives!
(Appreciative laughter that jolts the marathon dozers to full concentration)I will now welcome YO-YO for a few announcements.
(YO-YO walks up to the podium and unhooks the mic)
YO-YOEh semeni ma-youth. Praiseee Lord! Leo 4.30 kuna tea party ya kudeliberate njaro ya kugutuka bila kushtuka hii Boxin Day bana. . . Munajua sisi ndio 63% ya ma boxer so lazima tujiami jo! Msisahau orange eating party kesho. Msidanganywe ovyo vile Eve alithoriwa na Nyoka akazane na Ndizi na Sagodi aliwashow wamange Machungwa solo. Kumbe Sagodi amewascan, anawacheki na angle théta! Si munaona vile walipaishwa? (huge howl of laughter from the wings) Otherwise, contribution from last youth service was ksh. 645. Be blessed in the Lord!
(Applause)
PROVOSTESTLet us now have intercessional prayers for our families and our country. Ummm (looks at the front row reserved for church"investors") Can Dr. Deny-O lead us in this?
(A murmer permeates the entird church. Clearly Prov. hasnt heard of the recent scandal where a certain " trifling gold digger" called up the Dr's wife, announcing she was pregnant with his child and its is rumoured she also described poor Deny's undergarments and the contents therein to 100% detail. At that instant, Prov's Motorola C113 beeps loudly, indicating a new text message which he scrolls through, red with embarassment)Well it seems Dr. Deny-O could not join us today but our prayers are his! (leads the intercession prayer session)
And now let us welcome our award-winning Choir Mistress, Filomena!
(Filomena approaches the mic)
FILOMENAI presented this solo piece at the national Churches competition and it was declared the most uplifting solo piece. Enjoy!
(Clears her throat and delves into an 8-octave soprano performance in a language closer to opera and rises to an ear-splitting crescendo followed by awed silence.)
PROVOSTEST
(elated)Didnt I tell you we had Pavarottis in our ministry? Now you have heard. . . May God bless dear Filomena and (coughs judiciously) her family. Now for the sermon, lets rise and sing Hymn Number That One to welcome the Ritestest Reverend the Bishop for today's word.
(Congregation sings in a sort of semblance of unity as BISHOP RITEST takes his place at the podium, tapping the mic-head and occasionaly interjecting the singing with "Mic Check, 1 2, Mic Check. . .")
(The hymn fades out)
BISHOPLet us open our Bibles at Matthew Chapter 2 (Reads aloud and briskly till verse 12) Yes. . .the Lord is showing a lot to us through this story of the 3 wise men or in Kiswahili, wale warefu watatu! As it had been prophesied, a king had ALREADY been born and they were just messengers of this inevitability to poor King Herod! Praise the Lord!
CONGREGATIONAmen!
BISHOPI put it to you brethren, that we are in a similar situation as those 3 warefus. It is election season yet again but I am telling you our President has already been chosen. As far as I am the Bishop, the job has already been done and there is NOBODY who can change that destiny. . .with or without our votes. A king has been born to us!
(Appreciative murmurs all round. Bishop removes a white kerchief and wipes beads of sweat off his forehead)
Let us spring back to the Biblical text. Now, what would be the purpose of this new king? Herod thought he was doing fine by any standards. To him the best thing for the kingdom would be a sort of 'Herod Aendelee' approach to the politics of the day. But this new king was meant to bring change. . .a change that they really needed. Most of us first borms would not have survived the Herod Aendelee Campaign you know! But God had refused, HALLELUJAH!
(wild gesticulation from a certain quarter of the congregation, noticably all dressed in orange from head to toe)
Herods place had already been replaced! His seat was already sat on, Praise the Lord!
(Loud Amen from the same quater)
Its time for our own change as well. . .as you know already, the market is overflooded with oranges, bananas, wipers and torches but GOD knows what you will take home so just OBEY OBEY OBEY if you want to be part of that change! If you dont then you will still be part of that change. . . . On the loosing side. Choose where you stand. . . God does not tolerate lukewarm uji. . .Are you with Herod's team or are you with the PEOPLE's team? And that is the word straight from the bowels of Heaven this Xmas Day. Halelujah!
(Standing ovation. .and from somewhere a scream of "Kazi ya Herod isiendelee!" met by cheers)
Let us now pray. . .
(A solemn reflective visage ensues)
Lord, as we come before you, we are in deep thought. Why is it that in all the election campaigns our city has been left out? Politicians have traversed every corner of this country - Eldoret, Naivasha, Nairobi, Kericho, Mombasa, El-Wak, Turkana, North Horr. . .but why do they shun Kisumu?! Oh Kisumu, Kisumu, Kisumu. Home of Tom Mboya, the first constitutional affairs Minister. . .KISUMU, oh Kisumu. Home of Ramogi Oginga Odinga, friend of Jomo Kenyatta. KISUMU! Home to Achieng' Oneko, great freedom fighter. Kisumu. Great land of old . . . Kisumu. . . The centre of the Railway. KISUMU! Home of the first teachers, doctors, and learned friends! Kisumu. Where planes from Cairo en route to Cape Town stopped over in the olden days. Kisumu, oh, Kisumu! The only city in the equator. . .oh Kisumu!
(Shouts of YES LORD on every mention of Kisumu)
Then what has happened Lord? Look at us now. . . Kisumu. Land of the poorest of the poor. Kisumu. Backyard of hyacinth. Kisumu! Small city without smoke. Kisumu. Surely. . . HAVE WE BEEN FORGOTTEN?
I know you have not abandoned us Lord. A time has come for this poor neglected city like it came for that folktown of Bethlehem. A time has come for us to RULE! Halellujah! A king has been born to us! Thank you, Lord! Thank you Jesus! Thank you Lord!
(The entire church rises to its feet as if manipulated by a superhuman force. Everyone is shouting, leaping up and down and speaking in tongues for the rest of the sermon, the only exception being flabbergasted kids and a group later identified as Election Observers. "Joy To The World" belts out from the church organ. .)
. . .END. . . -
Pre-MOCK Violence
Posted: July 23, 2008, 3:08 pm by willpress
The past few weeks have not been the best period to become a High School principal in Kenya. The entire secondary school administration system in the country is practically under siege as students all over the country are on a rampage. The casualties so far: close to 200 schools closing indefinitely and a student from Upper Hill High School dead after a dormitory fire. The government, as usual has been caught flat-footed. In fact, it took the Upper Hill incident to startle Sam Ongeri, Minister for Education, out of his swivel chair to gather his boys in a rush to "assess the gravity of the situation". And indeed, it is grave.
These chilling (exciting to some) events have sparked a wave of paranoia among school heads. St. Georges has appently been closed indefinitely following what some students call "a practical joke" on their teachers.
More baffling is the fact that a random Commission of Inquiry will be set up to look into the student unrest. We all know Commisions of Inquiry are a way for corrupt vile people to gain publicity (ask Pattni or the Arturs) to the level of even being a political launch pad and also a waste of taxpayer's mulas since the resolutions passed never go past the ink and paper. Meanwhile, the striking students, unchanged and perhaps having regained more arsonist vigour, will be back when the schools re-open. Even if the the ring leaders are expelled, like suicide bombers, they will have left behind a legacy and disciples who will only be too willing to join the pipeline of infamy. Matyrdom is that sexy, i tell you. There has been no outright attempt as to establishing the cause of this pandemonium from the students themselves. What we have now is a throng of "education experts" (who were only last week wearing the tag "political analyst"), school heads and under-motivated DEOs flapping they gum endlessly on KTN and NTV.
The governments response tempts me release a string of laughter challenging the recent longest laugh record on Ripley's. A report released yesterday by KBC, reeking of Government boot-lick Alfred Mutua's input, is quick to attribute the riots to the fiasco of the 2007 KCSE exam results where KNEC was pissing in its pants when "computer errors" awarded D+s to born geniuses and such like HUMAN errors.
Hon. Sam Ongeri's take is different. These kids are just being spoilt brats, he says. In yesterday's ministerial statement, he ordered that students be banned from handling cellphones in school, and banned the purchase of buses with DVDs and TV screens. Clearly these statements presents the current paradox. . .people who have not been in school uniform in the past ten years purpoting to run Education in this country. Am yet to hear a statement from the Youth Ministry. . . Oh well, guess they are asleep until reminded that its the youth who occupy these schools.
I believe the issues lie deeper than jus the fear of MOCK exams or last year's results.
This is an outward manifestation of a paradigm shift in society. The first question should be what has changed in schools from the primbottom discipline of the colonial days through to the 70s to the chaos it is today? Are High Schools stuck in a time capsule while outside its walls society keeps changing? Are we approaching education all wrong in this day and age?
Let me continue to ponder.
In a related story, I couldnt hide my joy on learning that my former school, Maseno was the first school to riot in 1908. But then the joy died down as it hit me that that was also the last time we had ever gone on strike. Gosh, what a shame! Pioneers but not lifetime achievers! By now we should have come up with an entire book on the methods and strategies of going on strike. . .that must have been one hellova beating they got in 1908 to elicit 100 years of. . .umm. . .discipline. So much for a bad record!
Open Mic
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Sexual Revolution without Sex Education: Solutions?
Posted: July 5, 2008, 4:44 pm by willpress
So Anonymus inboxed me and was like "OK, Sexspeare umewhine ya kutosha. . .now what the hell do we do bout this so-called paradox that you have wasted tons of man-hours yapping about?" Well, to have a feasible sex education system up and running, I can only think up two angles- A deliberate, separate, candid regime that leaves no stone unturned
- Putting in place certification of some sort on sex education
As regards the first angle, no doubt sex education should be a subject of its own taught throughout different stages of education. Here's what could be called a skeleton course outline:
What is Reproduction/Sex?
SEX EDUCATION-101 COURSE OUTLINE
INTERMEDIATE
a) Definitions, perceptions
b) Variations: Kawa, oral, anal, fellatio, cunnilingus etc etc.
OK, the only obstacle here is to establish at what stage to teach kids the above. . .you know, balance between the threat of knowing too much versus the risk of kids sexperimenting
ADVANCED
This, of course, is for the more grown up student
a) Positions: Definitions. Pros and cons.
b) Tantric sex : I be hearing this tantra word too much nowdays
c) G-spot politics: Statement, critique with a discussive sub unit, Does It Exsist?
d) Other erogenous zones, how to utilize them
e) Financial dynamics. Suggested reading. 'Cost of P*ssy', Anon
2.Gender Issues
a)Conceptions of gender roles and how this affects sex/sexuality
b)What men, women really want-discussive
3.Societal Issues
a) Contraception : Definition, critique of every concievable method
b) STDs, STIs
c) Homesexuality, Lesbianism- discussive
4.Literary Discourse
Some sort of suggested reading and critique.My examples:
a)'Freud: A feminist introduction' , Jacques Lacan. Interesting theories on the psychology of sex
b)'Prisoner of Sex', Norman Mailer'. Mailer rips open feminism and othes aspects of sex quite skilfully, mixing fact and fiction.
c)'Bound to Violence', Yambo Ouloguem. Historical fiction on the extreme end of things. Suggest to advanced students only.
d)''Man of the People', Chinua Achebe. Need i say more?
5.Legal Issues
Targets mainly kids and women who usually have no clue on legal actions to take after sexual harassment, violation etc. Reccomended reading of relevant sections of the Penal Code and the Sexual Offences Act ( http://www.thesexualoffencesact.com)
Sexual Certification
The argument is that; you know the way in the ICT sector theres a standard and protocol for everything, sijui A+, C++, ICDL? So why cant we have an official standard/certification for sexual education that should be a reruirment for such things as admission to university and marriage? Thus one will be compelled to prepare for and pass some examination of sorts that should be FULLY government funded. Result: a more educated universtiy crowds and stabler, more satisfied marriages.
Kudos to kenyan media especially Capital and Classic of late for trying to address these issues.Maybe a lobby group should come up to compel the Ministry of Education to move.For now, lets wallow in ignorance.Yay!
As a pal of myn says, Nirvana is 40 orgasm years away. . .
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Sexual Revolution without Sex Education - Formal Regimes
Posted: July 5, 2008, 4:43 pm by willpress
Here is what the current educational system of brainwash is ready to offer as a formal sex education regime which some very very old individuals, whose last memory of getting it up was when the Union Jack was going down, say is already "too immoral".
I must admit am a lazy ass. . . Research has never exactly been my thing except in situations where i have to look for fresh supplies of my daily dose of Blue Magic when my regular dope boy has been sniffed out by the K9s hehe lakini i did my snooping around with my CSI:Home Library team.That is why i shall for example be subjective and ignore IGCSE and other minor spheres of discussion such as Home Science, SEE etc. . .my bad.
Sexual education in school takes the form of innuendo based suggestions that a biological process called sex exsists.Lower classes, we learn body parts through diagrams of semi-clad human beings.Question would arise why little boys and girls should be limited to extra-private parts, but thats another story, sio?
I have a hunch that the Committe that came up with this 8-4- ish sat in the boadroom one day over yellow tosti and Maziwa ya Nyayo and pondered on how the heck to approach this elephant in the room. Aha! Light bulb moment. First step, invoke the fear of God in these potential brats. . .Get it into their little craniums that:
1. A God exsists. . . He is the best ever, having created pretty much everything
2.Theres a very special event being prepared for those who dont listen. Some place called Hell. . .this includes 7 olympic size swimming pools with molten lava and 666 branding sessions...Damnation without relief!
3. They should also catch a glimpse of the caretaker. . .Lets call him Satan for now. Along with a most hideous graphic representation of the same.
This is the general picture despite the slight variations between CRE, HRE and IRE etc. So what we have is kids tempted to pee in they pants and tow the line.Thats why units such as How We Were Fearfully & Wonderfully Made do not achieve their ultimate purpose.
Another golden opportunity to explore sexuality et al comes in upper class science lessons, when we grasp something or two about reproduction.Unfortunately, this ends up in a hellova sham as the essential objective of this topic gets lost somehow. Quick example:Fertilization takes place during sexual intercourse. . .sperms are released through the penis of the male into the vagina of the female
Improve Your Science & Agriculture Workbook Std 8, Malkiat Singh (2000) pg 22
First, the quote sounds like a combine harvestor instruction manual and yet it targets new teens. Its then riddled with so many assumptions it hurts. Just because someone is 14 doesnt mean he knows what a penis or vagina is, let alone sexual intercourse. Its such oversight that breeds really strange sociophobe types who got messed in the brain to learn not everyone uses a hosepipe in the loo.
One would tend to assume High school would afford a more open forum. True, reproduction is discussed in length but the humanity of it is lost in a vortex of scientific phrases.I mean, surely words like oogenesis, spermatogenesis, oestrogen etc sound quite lambasting to a well fed post-lunch kid on a hot boring afternoon.
There are equally bland analyses of STDs and birth control methods as well, but these too assume a clinical detachment from it that is embarassing. Leme not even start with SEE. That ish had more to do with throwing an A in the report card than anything else. Garbage in - Garbage out after exams.
Am sure all the aboue doesnt beat the pornographic zeal of the boys at the library ooglin real human anatomy snaps in encyclopaedias. . .Good times those ?/! -
Sexual Revolution without Sex Education: Informal Regimes
Posted: July 5, 2008, 4:40 pm by willpress
The minstry of education doesnt fund this but this is what forms like 90% of what is Sex Education 101 on this side of the Sahara:
From birth, theres really nothing much to do but breastfeed and add daipers to the top of the To Buy list. Forget that freak called Freud ( hehe weird name kama A Pimp Named Slick) who perhaps thinks otherwise. We toddle, walk, run and become little sons and daughters of AK-47s. We are hardly aware of our bodies but the realisation slowly sets in that these 'big people' have reservations about reavealing certain territories in their anatomy, given the spankings we receive for "bad manners", a phrase we get quite interested in with time.
Gender roles are moulded swiftly in games such as Cha Baba na Cha Mama.However, the revised edition comes with a part where the "children" are asked to go on exile as the "parents" discuss important business. Hide and Seek also grasped interesting dimensions.
Enough about childhood frolicks. When Mum is busy making dinner, Nature will be the lecturer for the day:- Our bodies are MORPHING eeew. . . Girls, soon we gonna have small bumps on the front, big bumps on the rear and behave queer when boys holla. Boys, you gonna be hairy and posses the voice of someone who swallowed a 7500W hi-fi system.
- Yes, that girl right there, nah not that one, the one behind the one in yellow. She kinda cute huh?
- Girly made you pee in bed after that dream you had. .embarassing.
- Girly actually nose bled down there last month, weird!
I call this phase the hump phase since it represents the most difficult time of self-discovery. It determines the crystallization of our psychological well-being and will probably get the nerds and jocks huddled up in different corners.Most of us will discover it aint really a big deal. . .if growing up comes with being all furry and loosing blood onc a month, then yeah, its like that.But of course we will have the white trash wannabes who will slit they wrists and jump off rooftops. . .
Thus, in this new survival of the fittest coupled with the reality of things like High School and higher learning, its soon better to hunt in packs. We will naturally sort ourselves into cliques, complete with a hierachy of admins, officers and kawa peeps.Eventually, its the Queen Bees and studs that hand down volumes of misguided lessons inspired from a random blue movie or a Cosmo read upside down to their ardent followers. Very few people get to realise that the suffix -less is a missing quality of these "watu wa mpango"...
The scenario is worse in the rural areas where traditional myths are chopped, pounded, taken to the mill and blended into mordern times. Thats why you still get males with the notion that backaches could have something to do with an expensive sperm count and more and more women attaching they menses to all sorts of fetishes, you'd think we in 300BC.
Basically the plot is along the lines of Prison Break. . .these sexology lectures are given clandestinely and perhaps the whole taboo backdrop makes it so exciting.
A good example popped up yesterday. I was at a girl's high school near you in a forum discusing the law as regards sexual offences. We handed them pieces of paper to write anonymus questions. . .well, the kinda feedback we got, it wasnt hard to know what the average 16yr is up to:- If you have oral sex with someone, does that amount to an offence?
- If publishing and selling porn is illegal, then why do they sell us those magz kwa street?
etc, etc. . .
At the end of the day, one will be quick to realise that what 8-4-4 doesnt avail us in terms of sex education, we gon get it by word of mouf!!
PS:Were we too excited when we went to arrest Mr. Java Hse that we forgot procedure?? Now he gon' pull an O.J. on us!
Learning Kenyanese
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ARE HUMAN BEINGS THE ULTIMATE RACE?
Posted: June 7, 2008, 7:54 pm by willpress
It has been told in many stories both religious and folklore of how the human race, in its elevated status of being a photocopy of God's(or gods) image and likeness ,is perceived by all as the ultimate race of the world. The most sophisticated of all living organisms. Amid this trumpet blowing and chest thumping that has gone on for thousands of years a time has come to ask ourselves if we really are the ultimate race beyond reasonable doubt. This article will attempt to explore four different concepts that shed light on the proposition that this could actually be to the contrary. As poetic as it may sound, proper understanding of this piece may arise from only an objective pondering of the same.
Son is Greater than the Father Theory?
Many philosophers an futurists seem to prescribe to this theory that lays down a sort of probability scale on future human extinction. We know that even with the current accords and treaties to shun the production of nuclear weapons, it is an open secret that there has been an increase in nuclear activity than ever before from India ( in the guise of seeking alternative energy sources) to Iraq (tired of being bullied the prefects of the world, USA and UK).
Now ,supposing a full-scale war arose compelling the use of nuclear weapons en masse thus reducing every square inch of land to a modern day Hiroshima? A world-wide nuclear could result in a major climate shift that could wipe out any chance of sunshine for thousands of years and as a result wipe out most human organisms including the human race. This is not far from, reality though this may sound like a memo from the House of Yahweh. There will be more radical Osama’s and less reasonable Bushes in days to come.
The question then to be asked is if most life forms, humans included are quashed by a nuclear winter or any such like natural calamities, would the world as we know it come to an end? NO! This would merely lead to the emergence of an artificial Big Bang. Cockroaches and such organisms known to be resistant to nuclear explosives and radioactivity of immense levels will revise the evolution process and maybe lead to the emergence of more intelligent life forms than what can be safely be known as human beings .This theory ,however dismissed as belonging to philosophers' lunch breaks, shouldn’t be taken so lightly in my view.
AI and the Intelligence Explosion
This is yet another shocking revelation from futurists who fondly call this concept "technological singularity”. In what people like to call the information technology era, a lot of progress is being made to create tools and machines to aid in raising the standards of human living. But to what extent will this progress concur with its aim?
Futurists project that this progress will soon turn into an 'intelligence explosion' that is , the creation via artificial intelligence (AI) or computer interfaces
smarter than human entities who rapidly accelerate technological progress beyond human capabilities. Statistician J.B. Good says "These machines could augment their own mental capabilities until they exceed that of their creators..the intelligence of man could be left far behind. Thus, the first ultra intelligent machine is the last invention that man need ever make."
Victor Vinge adds a more apocalyptic twist in his 1993 essay, The Coming of Technological Singularity: "Within 30 years we will have the technological means to create superhuman intelligence...shortly thereafter the human era will be ended." This could result from these superhuman intelligences ending up with goals inconsistent with human survival. Yes, all those cartoons you see about a mad scientist with a robot programmed to exterminate the human race could actually come true!
Nick Bostrom in his 2002 essay on human extinction scenarios puts it into perspective: "We could mistakenly elevate [for these superhuman intelligences] a sub-goal to the status of a super goal and tell it to solve a problem...in the process killing the person who asked the question."Leaving the bulk of technological progress to such ultra-human robots could lead to a conflict between the human creator and the robots themselves as aptly illustrated by the film I,Robot .
The Evolution Race
The Times of April 17, 2007 reported the results of a University of Michigan study on comparative evolutionary progress of human and primate genes. Mark Henderson reports, "Chimps are ahead humans in the great evolutionary race.... they have evolved more extensively than the human race since they split from their common ancestor, challenging the conventional wisdom that Homo sapiens has been favored by natural selection."
This should be a wake up call to us that since we have already been overtaken in the evolution process, let us not rule out the possibility of Planet of the Apes being acted out not in the imaginary confines of Hollywood directors' heads, but right here on Earth.
Fallacy in the Intelligent Design Theory Proponents of this theory purport that everything in the world is mad especially that we can manage to live in it. Certain constants that make matter and life possible cannot be solely be attributed to chance, they claim. Analyzing one of their heavily touted examples, those keen enough may sense the whiff of fallacy in this reasoning.
Rabbits, they argue, have white tails so that they can supposedly be easy to shoot. I am really interested to know how the rabbits would view such a claim. The real state of affairs is that nature provides some sort of balance and quid pro quo in that the environment wasn't suited for us but it is we who adapt to it instead. Anything to the contrary would most certainly amount to taking the Creation story a bit too far.
The Underlying Psychology?
But what is the underlying psychology that makes us want to validate this strong feeling of being the world's ultimate race?It is the perpetual fear of death. It is this fear that fuels our passion to play God and somehow extend the inevitability of death. Nation columnist Sammy Wambua comments that the future presents a very complicated time for human beings. With everyone going herbal in everything from tea to toothpaste, major research in stem cells and cloning, increased enthusiasm in 'extreme makeovers' and less and less people dying from nothing but the most complicated of diseases what more is there to expect?
Bertand Russell in Why I am not a Christian says of the tragedy of human efforts in search of the famous Fountain of Youth, "Given omnipotence, omniscience an millions of years to perfect our world, we would come up with nothing better than the Ku Klux Klan [or something like Zimbabwe for that matter].To accept the laws of science, we will have to assume that human beings and other life forms on earth will die."
In short, the world is not ending any time soon and maybe it will not be the human race that will witness its end. That may sound depressing but let us try and have Achilles' mentality in The Iliad:"The gods envy us because for our mortality" Knowing that life can end at any moment everything is more beautiful, more poetic. So let us live every second as if it our last. But let us not forget that their is something or someone greater than all of us out there that has a hand in shaping our destiny.
Open Mic
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Sexual Revolution without Sex Education-Development
Posted: June 6, 2008, 8:37 pm by willpress
So how did the average Kenyan through time acquire his/her notions of sex and sexuality to what can be said to be the Kenyan Sexcylopaedia?
Theres nothing much to say about the traditional era. Custom was life. It dictated everything including menstural cycles. Sex had a subsidiary utility in general and wealth accumulation in terms of livestock and children was the true orgasm magnet. Gender roles placed the man at the pedestal thus, if a couple wasnt getting the baby train running, the problem was probably with Her. Only the "husband" (even in the woman-woman marriages) could ponder about "his" sexuality and yes, the wifes potential was untapped. Not that anyone was complainin. At least at initiation time, boys and girls received "the secrets of the community" and trust me, these sessions were very explicit.
Then here comes Johnny English with the pleasures of colonialism. O tempora O mores! Kumbe the woman had a BRAIN and could think with it? Yay! Western influence gave way to a more relaxed clasp on the womans freedom . . . These baby making machines had to be repackaged to fit into the new game. He now had to spare a few coins or evade poll tax to get her a nyc pleated skirt or them khakis to transform Him to the village stud.
Just like sliced bread,afropuffs, bellbottoms and pumps, the 70s were abuzz with La Revolution Sexuelle.Skirts were to be kept veery short. Dudes also started imitating the bravadoism of the black heros in flicks like Shaftand Supafly. Through the 80s the rigid walls surrounding sexual expression were coming under pressure. Books such as David Mailu's 'Man and Woman' ,for example, which is a tale about a woman "possesed by the spirits of sex" sold like hot cakes to school libraries.
Most of these changes however affected the upper class minority and urbanites. This cartegory was sociologically secluded (except during Christmas when urbanites went to shagz) and to this extent couldnt sufficiently influence the lower class, where customary notions still ruled. A chiquitta who as much as looked at a man risked several ordeals including a proper spankin depending on how shady the dude looked. Teenagers baffled at irregularities in ther changing bodies also kept mum to avoid retribution etc. etc.
The wall finally cracked and broke through the mid 80s to the early 90s. . . Tupac and BIG didnt make it any better and obsceneties were added to the flavour of youthful life. Paternalism was dumped for individualism. All about the Me and I . . . They didnt go to Beijing for nothing!
Soon, we were caught up in a 'turgid cell' moment where we felt the need to add more features to our sexual atlas but still haunted by the proud belief that our forefathers were the best navigators thus undisputable. This was compounded by the majority of the population being in the 18-40yr bracket (yes a lone mzee standing in a bus full of youths who also have a right to sit.Vijana wa siku hizi, tho!).
1996 paved way for liberization of the media.KBC, in an effort to stay relevant, shoved the Bold and the Beautiful through our pupils. By episode 50, we were at home with the idea of a father katiain his sons ex. FM radio presenters became increasingly raunchy, especially the late night ones, teeterin as few paces away from soft porn as was legal. .fun times those.
Fast-foward to present day. Hmmm. . .lemme say its become a free for all Tower of Babel madness. Naked is a possible dressing code. Boys can put cornrows and apparently get a male girlfriend and still get mad love from the parents. Uganda has half a milion recognized homosexuals na what UG can do, Kenya can do much better (exception being the Elgon Cup). Jacob Zuma, SAs potential next president, can tell a packed courtroom that a shower after sex is sufficient to ward off HIV and he still gets standing ovations. Though we take pride in our sexual liberty, the ghost of the past still haunt us. Discussing it is percieved as unrespectable. Even in internet chatrooms and discussion boards where we have the luxury of anonymity, these things are still hard to talk about with a straight face. -
Sexual Revolution without Sex Education-A Paradox
Posted: June 6, 2008, 8:19 pm by willpress
Inspired by a great discussion on a thread, something thats very hard to achieve, especially as regards this subject. Much thanks to Sanaa-, TypeR, Alja, sdolphin and all I may have forgotten. Credit where due. As I said before, this season I will prefer to deal with more solid issues that go beyond my d*ck.Note that am typing each word without batting a single eyelid. . .
SCENARIO 1
Jana, thanks to the free Safkom calls, a pal of mine (name witheld to protect ego) dedicates a good 10mins to lament that he has just discoverd that virgins cry (tears et al) after the deflowering act ; so he figures hes never been with one. WHAAAAT? I mean. . . Where the hell did that come from? My guy, women cry ALL the time and that has zero to do with picking fresh roses from the bush.Going by that trend, does that mean that all mamas who cry post-coitus are still virgins? Swali nyeti! Am applying to a rehab due to the trauma I received from realising people still think lyk this.
SCENARIO 2
A 21yr old chiquitta of reasonable education ie. An A in all sciences plus English just comes up with a theory that when a pregnant woman gets heartburn, that means the umblical cord has gone beyond the womb and into the abdomen. Am sure several dudes out there are picturing her as mama to their kids in the next 5yrs. Wangejua tu!
SCENARIO 3
In Mauritania (99% muslim), a woman who falls pregnant after rape is not considered a rape victim because, according to the law, pregnancy only arises from conscensual sex. You can imagine the number of unreported rapes that could potentially be taking place. . .
All these leaves quite a number of us thinking "Nah, impossible in this day and age!" but its happening. Are we caught between the past thats full of myths, beliefs and customs that are retrogressive to the current situation in society as regards sex and sexuality? Africa is unfortunately caught up in a complex paradox of how to deal with an increasingly sexually charged society given its rigid, taboo-based stance.
This leads me to asking two very candid questions:
1. Does the person you are having sex with/had sex with/plan to have sex with have enough knowledge on sex education?
2. Does our personal views on sex shape the world in future? This goes especially to law makers and society leaders (religious, customary, leaders of cliques etc).
Quite an unfortunate paradox huh? Maybe you are not seeing it as clearly as i am. Perhaps an analysis of sex, sexuality and sexology as a whole has suddenly evolved; the current "regimes" of sex education and how effective they are is necessary to make you as flabbergasted (yay, I used a big word!) as I am. . .
Learning Kenyanese
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Season 2
Posted: June 4, 2008, 2:14 am by willpress
It has been a while, hasnt it? Unfortunately, most of the Directors of this course, Kenyanese, were either internally displaced or seriously disturbed by the Post Election Violence fiasco. . .a huge amount of funding has gone into maintainance of our Directors in shady, backstreet rehab centres where they ask you obviously baseless question ("How do you feel about feeling the way you are feeling?") and they'd waste no opportunity to take advantage of you. . .
All is not lost. In fact, a whole lot more is being found. We are back in business, people. Apologies, the premiere season did not achieve the standard 22-episode target, but am sure the rest of the country was glued to the electoral soap opera that boiled over.
Objectives for this season? None whatsoever. . .jus a bit of touch and go, lets enjoy Kenya at 45 hoping we manage to get to the party joints . . . Well, like everybody else, we will piss and moan about FUEL because Kibaki apparently is playin with the possibility of selling off our crude depos to the Chinese, or is it the Japanese? We will still rant and rave about receiving a measly 21% of the Safaricom shares we applied for. .no, not even free night calls will deter us. Yes, we will shout from the roof tops so that our boys who raped, looted and plundered to be given amnesty so that they can return home for a heroes' welcome. Mob justice, anyone?
Lovely!
Open Mic
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Writer's Block season
Posted: May 8, 2008, 7:12 pm by willpress
Yeah it been more than a minute since my last post...there always comes this period where the author/blogger is overcome by a total disillusionment with his own work and takes the objective stance of a critic and you go something like..."Am I the one who wrote all that ish?" and you beging to feel the symptoms of a very interesting strain of multi-personality disorder....
In short thats what has been happening to yours truly yeah so we can say that am successfully out of rehab and ready to scribe about nothing in general and everything in particular....
Blah blah blah
Fish cakes
Alas a fish cake.
Yet more fish cakes
Guess what ... yeah ... fish cakes.
The end of the fish cakes
